This past two weeks or so have been….rough. I don’t know why, it’s nothing specific, it’s just that all the things I am unsure of about myself, all my doubts and fears have been rearing their heads. I feel fat and stupid, I feel clunky and unsexy, I wonder how anyone could love me, how silly I am to believe that I can do something of consequence, how dumb I am to think I can write, or dance, or make puppets.
How everything now is work, and hard and difficult. How there is no more true “fun” in my life.
Now before you think I’m losing it, I know this is a phase that everyone goes through. I try to let myself feel these phases thoroughly, because I know I can’t exist on this doubtful plane of existence…but I feel it, and its been making me sad…and stoic, and quiet, and there’s been very little that I’m sure of.
And this morning, this beautiful morning, as I walked around, my head in my head, my heart feeling too heavy…I walked outside of the Merchandise Mart, at 8:25 to see a huge bandstand. It’s the Loop and they’re doing something, there are risers and tons of people outside and I hear music jamming and everyone’s looking at the river.
I walk over and look and there’s a boat out there. I turn to the man next to me and ask him what’s going on, and in the most restrained, excited voice I’ve ever heard, the man says:
“Its REO Speedwagon, they’re out there jamming on the boat. You’ve already missed a few songs, but they are jamming…the guitars sound awful but the drums are excellent”
And I smiled, the truest smile I’ve smiled all week. Maybe even a little tear.
Why? Why Chicago, is REO Speedwagon jamming on a boat in the river at 8:30 in the morning?
It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that it brought me out of myself for a moment, and I laughed, not at REO Speedwagon, but at Chicago, and how weird and wonderful this city is.
I love this city with everything that I am, every single bone in my body calls this place home, it makes me excited, happy, it makes me feel safe and warm (for now). It pleases me like nothing else does, it inspires my heart and my soul, and surprises me on a day when I thought nothing could.
My love for this city is a constant companion, sometimes it just takes a beautiful day with REO Speedwagon to realize how lucky I am to live here. Thank you Chicago, for reminding me of who I am, what I'm doing and that sometimes, you just need to be in the right place at the right time.
2 comments:
I am so with you on this. I had a similar moment recently when I discovered Audrey Niffenegger (author of The Time Traveller's Wife, Chicago native, and cool lady that I am totally obsessed with) is going to be reading at a gallery exhibit at the Lill Street Art Center, right around the corner from lil' old me. The pieces are all inspired by her work, too.
And I thought, damn, there's no other city where I can picture art and literature coming so close together for free!
YAY! We live in the greatest city in the world.
Oh, and Time Travellers Wife? I'm not sure any book, including Where the Red Fern Grows, made me weep like such a baby.
Post a Comment