Apes, Apes for the memories

Okay, I’ll admit…yeah…okay….I’m a little hungover. Let’s just get that out of the way right now okay? Okay. Done. Hungover.

ANYWAY,

So finale of APES! Love the Stud won it all and she deserved the whole thing, she pulled up from the back, and came into her own and kicked our collective patooties. Go Stud! Erin came in second and also became one of my favorite people. I loved the stuff he did. Jarrad came in third, he’s one smooth customer that guy, kept his wits about him the whole show…

I? Came in 7th. Huh.

Oh my gosh I’m done. I’m DONE I’m DONE!

Here’s what I learned from Apes:

1. I have got to trust myself. The times when I had the most fun, and the most confidence, were when I really just let myself have fun. Jerry Maguire and my weird Russian freak lady were my FAVORITES. So stupid silly, and so much fun. The hardest parts (hello puppets!) were when I shut myself off and told myself I couldn’t do it.

2. I get my best thinking done walking the dog. It’s this really weird focused relaxation thing. I’m really relaxed walking with Buddy, but I’m aware too, looking for cars or food on the ground or a stray, stupid rabbit that might get in his way. That’s always when I came up with my ideas, walking the dog.

3. I’m mainstream. Yup. I am. I just am. I always have been. In a bajillion years I would never have come up with what Studard did last night. But I like to think, that no one could have come up with what I did either.

4. I’m okay with being mainstream. I can’t force alternativeness (new word?), then I just look stupid. I’ve always thought that when it comes to writing, especially my goal for being a TV critic, that being mainstream is going to work really well for me -- in Apes, not so much.

5. The river cruises are the only performing I want to do anymore. I loved doing Apes, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t think I loved it as much as I should have. Performing makes me nervous, really nervous, not fun nervous, like giving boat tours, but really…unpleasantly nervous.

6. I can create art. My whole family can draw, or paint, or are in some way really visually artistic. I am not, never have been. I can’t sing, I don’t play an instrument, or dance, or act. But yet, with all those things I “can’t” do, I created 8 little pieces of art. And I love them all. In some ways Apes showed me my weaknesses, but also showed me that I can create anyway.

7. I can write. For some reason I always thought I couldn’t write stories. I thought Chicagoist type writing was what I was good at, funny, snarky, interesting reviews. But I wrote a ghost story, I wrote the back story of Apes and I loved doing both…risky? Maybe not….risky for me? Absolutely.

8. I need to stop worrying so much about what other people think. What other people have. What I don’t have. I’ve never known anything to stifle my creativity faster than fear about what people are going to think of me. Yeesh. Unbelievable. 37 years old and still so worried…

9. People are so specific and weird. Thinking back on everyone’s style during Apes, it’s amazing to see how different we all were. No one did the same thing, no one was like anyone else, and everyone was so specific in their styles. That’s why it’s impossible to compare anyone to anyone because; we couldn’t be different if we tried. Stud is SO who she is, Fuzzy is so who he is, lil Stabes (stupid funny, love it) is so who she is and I am so who I am…it makes me feel good to think like that.

10. John is truly, the most wonderful man in the world. The me he has known for the past 8 weeks has one moment been flying, the next crying. One moment confident, the next, a mess. He has been a constant source of reassurance, love, ideas, and smooches. I look forward to being more consistent now for him. No wonder overly creative people are whack crazy, it’s hard…


So there it is. It’s done. I’m happy to get that mental space back. I’m happy I’m going to have something to look back on in 30 years and say “I did that”. I’m happy I discovered a lot of things about myself, I’m happy I made new friends and I’m happy, so happy…that I’m done.