Read on if you dare

Argh! Very busy.

Okay, everyone brace yourselves, I’m going to be extremely depressing here for a moment. But I feel as if I really just need to get this feeling and this thought out into the world. So bear with me, I’m sure it’s fleeting, or maybe it isn’t and that’s why its making me so sad.

Here’s the gist:

It’s stupid Mike Doughty’s fault.

He has a song “I can hear the bells” or something or other. But the lyric is “I can hear the bells are ringing joyful and triumphant”. And it’s this very happy song, kinda intense, about how happy this fellow is yes?

And as I was walking one day, it occurred to me that I might never feel that way again. Now…I feel joy, some days. It’s rare though. I feel happiness a lot, but not necessarily joy. And triumphant? I can’t even really tell you the times I’ve felt “triumphant”. The closest I could come was when I was traveling in Southeast Asia, the freedom, the power, the beauty.

I figure, if I’m going to feel joyful and triumphant about something, it won’t be until a baby comes or something crazy. So, there’s one time, that might not even happen in the first place.

What I do see ahead is a life of working (which is okay, but neither joyful or triumphant), my mom passing, and then slowly but surely, my brothers, John, my friends, myself…

What I see ahead is a life of small happinesses and even larger sadnesses. A life of achieving goals and creativity and fun, but joyful and triumphant? I fear not.

I know this is harsh and depressing, but, isn’t it kind of realistic?

Please, tell me, are people joyful and triumphant?