Thai the knot

I’m having it again.

The dream, the fantasy, the wish, the fear.

I’m having the fantasy of taking J. and running away, running away to Thailand.

I mean, what are we doing here? We both hate working so much, we own nothing, we have nothing, we need nothing. It’s not like we have anything to lose.

When I try to think of the two of us leading our lives, struggling in each and every job just to make money so we can have things we don’t really want or need, it makes me sad.

Why not just run away? Sell the crap we have and take off? Who knows what would happen? And if we came back? Who would care? We wouldn’t be any worse off than we are now really; we might even get better jobs for just being cool. I mean, you never know who you might meet in Bangkok right? We could teach English, we could teach improv to little Thai children.

I’m just not sure why he and I struggle so much to do something we don’t like so much. People live crazy lives, people live whole lives on beaches without ever sitting in a cubby. I’ve met them, they’re out there, I’ve met people who went traveling for two weeks and just never went back home, they’ve been there for years.

There’s a part of me that wants that so strongly, that when I think about it, when I think about my deathbed and what I should have done, I think “I shouldn’t have sat in front of a computer just so I could have a house I never really wanted in the first place”.

We’re battling so hard to be grown ups, to do the right thing. What if we stopped battling? What if we started letting ourselves be who we were? What if we stopped trying to change that part of us and indulged it? Would we be happier?

I know everyone has these fantasies, I know we’re no different than anyone else. The only way I think we’re different is that we hate it more than some people.

The one thing I would really miss would be tv. What would I do without the Amazing Race? The Bachelor? Survivor?

You know what? I bet we’d be just fine.