Chris-mas

Alright, so the best kiss I've ever had. I'm 34, I've loved 2 men in my life (I lived with a third, but I can assure you, I did not love him, I was 20 what did I know?) and one of those I'm with now and I love him with a vengeance. He's a wonderful smoocher, no doubt about it.

But this kiss was like no other.

His name was Chris. I was 16 and he was going out with my friend Jen. Yesterday I described my ineptitude with men in my highschool years. I think I kissed maybe 2 boys in highschool and one of them I thought was foul...the kiss...not the guy.

Chris was extremely good looking, but one of those rare good looking nice men. He was humble, he understood the hardness of life probably better than any of us. He was nice to everyone and he was funny, and again, very good looking. I loved Chris, as any highschool girl would love her friends boyfriend. My best friend at the time, Jen, was beautiful. Too beautiful for highschool and she and Chris were in love.

Chris and I would have long discussions about everything, deep things, even then.

One night he was at my house and my mother let us go down to my room in the basement to watch It's A Wonderful Life. I was never allowed to have boys down there, but my mom knew Chris and she knew it was fine.

We watched it, and we cuddled a little. My first cuddle and my god did he feel good. Not scary like most boys felt. After the movie I walked Chris halfway home. It was snowy, beautiful and when I had gotten halfway we stopped to say goodnight.

And then he kissed me. My first "real" kiss. The first one that meant anything, the first one that felt good, it was the first. And that's all it was, a kiss in a snowstorm. Chris and I both knew that's what it was and it was beautiful. I really believe he did me a favor that day and taught me that a kiss is about tenderness and love, and that he was telling me he loved me, he saw me. I knew he loved loved Jen and so did he, but he was telling me I existed. I was real and I was beautiful. I wasn't, but he made me feel like I could be.

We never talked about it again, and life went on as normal for awhile after that.

Then Chris got sick. He got leukemia and he died his senior year of high school (we were a year older). Chris' final moment was to play the lead in Guys and Dolls, it was all he ever wanted and he did it. Once. In front of a roaring audience who loved him.

He came to me in a dream later, and I believe it was him. He told me he loved me, right there in my college union.

And I knew he did, he always had, and I bet he still does.