Chicago Stories

Oh man, my stomach hurts

2012-02-01T13:51:00.000-08:00

Life is so funny. It never just stops does it? UNTIL YOU DIE. Oh man.

So, it's been a busy couple of days, lots of meetings this week and things going on and tours and kittens and .... just oh so many things.

My stomach hurts. For the first time in my life I think I'm feeling anxiety.

It's a terrible feeling.

We still have Bamboo, he is just darling. He really is. And we've tried hooking him up with the dog, but it just makes Remo nuts. And poor lil Bamboo is stuck in the back room by himself. It's all just too much kind of. I think I've made a decision. Now we'll see how that goes. But I can't take the dog crying in one room and the cat crying in the other...

Tours are busy, business is busy, which is great. No complaints. But again, I have to learn how to work in the parameters of time that I have. I'm running around a lot still, great for my figgah!

John is working through his own stuff at work and everything is just a little up in the air right now.

I'm trying to work with that and just keep moving slowly but surely and enjoy the limbo and change and confusion and know that THIS is actually life and the other boring, slow stuff is just stuff.

I am the tree. I blow and sway one way or another, but I am firmly planted.

Or I am the pee on the tree, that could be it too.

Bambooupdate

2012-01-27T08:10:00.000-08:00

Hello friends!

Well it's been a week since we captured little Bamboo. A week ago I was out on the street, lying in the middle of the ground trying to coax this lil guy out.

And here we are.

And of course, it hasn't been easy.

Lil Bamboo is great, healthy and strong, nothing wrong with this cat, except that he won't go in the litter box. Now, for a week I've been taking care of this kitty, feeding and drinking and cleaning and he just pees and poops kind of all over. It's been really frustrating honestly.

I did not sign up to take care of a kitten, he was kind of dropped on me!

And we can't start introducing the kitty until he learns to poop in the box, because we can't have him pooping and stuff all over the house. So we're still keeping the dog and cat separate and I think it's starting to drive everyone bananas. At least me.

So it seems that just last night Bamboo went in the box and we kept him overnight in the bathroom with the box and I think he used it...

It's just hard, you go into see kitty and Remo cries, you come out to see Remo and kitty cries.

And the limbo of it all. We all know I hate that right? Are we keeping him or not and if we're not let's get moving because I cannot keep doing this.

I know it's not that big of a deal, but it changes my life and my house and my peace, all of which I worked very hard for!

Anyway. I'm going into see kitty now, so how we're doing with the box.

But damn, the kitten is REALLY cute. That's what's saving the lil monster now.

Friday!?

OBam

2012-01-25T12:40:00.000-08:00

Man, I sure was a big talker when election season was around 3 years ago? Wasn't I? Big Obama lover. BIG. Loved the guy, bought a tshirt, went to Thailand secure in the knowledge that we had a better president than before and that I was prouder to be an American with him as my president.

And then...nothing...from me at all. Not a word.

I've discovered something about myself. I could not give a wholdang about politics. It's all too much, I can't give the amount of time I would like to understand complicated political things.

But I'll tell you what, I love elections.

Love 'em.

I'm back with CNN. I'm back reading blogs, I'm back with the whole thing.

And I'm back with my man. NO MATTER what the hell went on with his service this past four years, there is absolutely no doubt that he is still the smartest man in America, he has a long-term plan we know nothing about (and my guess is, he's pretty on track) and he's a thousand miles ahead of any of those fat-heads.

The republican party is saving it's good stuff for 2016. Obvs.

And when you see my man singing Al Green the day after those blowhards debated, you just know he's a different sort of man.

I still love him.

And again, I don't understand all the intricacies but I do still understand that he's fighting for gay rights (maybe not the way we all wanted him to, but he's letting it happen state by state, the way it should be), he got us out of one war (although he had some scary words for China last night, *shudder*) and I don't know, I've always thought he was as left as they come and my guess is, if/when he gets his next 4, you're gonna see an Obes like you've never seen.

I love you Buddy, go for it, win this thing, speak your little poetic left-wing heart out and keep showing all of us that you have more charm in your little finger than any of us have in our whole bodies.

Bring on the race.

Whew!

2012-01-23T15:11:00.000-08:00

The word on everyone's lips is: Bamboo.

Just took him to the vet and they fell in love with him. I took him in a cardboard box with holes in it so Bamboo could breathe. We figured it out.

When Bamboo got in to our regular vet, they were all waiting for him, to see the lil kitty that survived. They took him out of his box, took pictures of him, ooooh'd and aaaaaah'd.

When we got in with our Dr., Bamboo really turned it on. So patient and purring when the doctor gave him a few shots. The Dr. was like, "what is up with this cat? Most of them do not purr when I give them meds." Lil Bamboo, that's just the kind of kitty he is. He loves ALL people. He loved the vet tech, the vet, me...his lovey dovey has nothing to do with us saving him. He loves everyone.

The vet said no fleas, no mites, that he looks clean and healthy (also no chip). She even said his blind eye might be able to be fixed. It looks sort of like eye skin pulled tight over it, so we (or whomever!) may be able to get that operated on fairly easily and Bamboo might have a perfect eye!

They took him out to do some work on him and when the vet tech brought him back in, Bamboo was sound asleep in his arms. The vet tech was holding him like a baby and Bamboo was out, out to the world. It was the cutest thing I've ever seen. The vet tech looked at me and said "this really is one awesome cat" and I said I KNOW I KNOW! He could barely put him down.

On the way out (many dollars later, but what are you going to do, not get him checked out?) everyone was cooing some more and I put Bamboo back in his box.

After I paid and was heading out the door, the vet tech comes running out with a cat carrier! They just gave it to me, so sweet.

So we wait for the tests to come back tomorrow and everything is alright we'll introduce the kitty and doggy and we'll see what happens from there. But if we can't keep him, it's okay, we already have a few people very interested in Bamboo and the vet told me if we had any trouble finding a home to give her a call because this cat was just too awesome.

SO! Bamboo is most likely healthy and well and warm, next step...

Lucky Bamboo

2012-01-20T13:14:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a big day.

First off, we paid off one of our credit cards today. A nice big balance and we paid it off. Feels really good. We have one more with a not too bad balance and then a few tax issues (we're on a payment plan, it's all on the up and up) and we're getting there.

And...John found a kitty.

He was out walking Buddy this morning and heard her crying. He looked under a car, saw a lil black and white kitty, blind in one eye (it's all blue and crazy looking). He tried to get her but couldn't with the dog. He came running in the house, threw a blanket at me and told me to go get her...the snow storm coming and all. Then he said "if you can get her, we're keeping her."

So I ran out of the house, walking around with a blanket and I found her under a car. Like, right under the middle. I couldn't get her! I looked around for help, she ran to another car. I tried to coax her out with old dog food, that didnt' help.

I finally got her to come close and I grabbed her! She was shivering shivering lil girl.

I'm pretty sure I heard this same cat last night and have seen flashes of her. Well...we got her.

She's a kitten, maybe 3 months? She's eating, she's playful, she's sweet as a button.

We're taking her to the vet tomorrow.

If John can handle it allergy-wise, we'll keep her hopefully, and if Remo doesn't eat her. If it's just not conducive, we'll keep her as long as we need to to get her to a nice home.

We always said Bamboo was such a cute name for a cat or dog. Well, let me introduce you now to Lucky Bamboo:

Fear. Eat it.

2012-01-19T14:59:00.000-08:00

The Hixx is not so much fun when the Hixx has to do something she doesn't want to do. That's the truth.

A few months back in a fit of anger I set up a tour for the "Chicago Greeters." They're through the Dept of Cultural Affairs and they're really great. You can set up a tour with a Greeter and get a FREE tour. And it can be private and it can be anywhere you want to see - Chinatown, Greektown, Wicker Park, Lincoln Park - whatever. They're a great group of people and it always amazes me that you can seriously get free tours.

I don't talk it up much, for obvious reasons.

But I learned that it's pretty normal to give Greeters a tour of what you do and so I set it up, to show them the pedway.

And about on Monday...I started getting nervous about it. Someone had told me they had "done" the pedway tour before (hello competition, I'm eating you!) and I thought they would all know about it and be judging me. Sometimes it's not easy to give tours for other guides, you gotta be REAL careful what you say because you know there are 10 people who know too.

But generally, giving other guides tours is pretty fun and I always LOVE going on other people's tours and I don't get judgy at all and I just like hearing how they tell a story, etc.

So anyway, I've been hating this all week. Hating it.

And that my friends, is fear talking.

Today I made John wish me luck, I secretly hoped they would all forget.

And it was great. So great. I saw an old friend, I made some new ones. The Greeters were awesome and adorable and happy to hear about the pedway. I didn't give a tour tour, but showed them how they can use the pedway to give their own tours on crappy days.

And they liked it. We laughed. They taught me things in a totally kind and nice way.

And it felt great. There may have even been a REALLY good connection or two made. So.

Yay.

Eat your fear, seriously. Whatever I was so afraid of seems ridiculous at this point.

Eat your competition for breakfast, eat your fear for lunch and eat something yummy for dinner.

Entrepreneurial advice here everyone.

Yup, I'm back.

2012-01-17T16:05:00.001-08:00

I noticed it the other day when I woke up and Dean Richards on WGN (so it was Sunday, not that it matters, who gives an eff exactly what day it was? But that's how I know, because Dean Richards is only on Sunday) was doing a review of Chorus Line and they were playing the music and I was in the bathroom singing "One" as loudly as possible. So yeah...I'm good.

We've had a fun few days, we went to the casino yesterday, I worked real hard on Saturday (3 tours!), today I hung out with my friend Melisa in the 'burbs. It's been a really nice couple of days.

And I love the winter! BRING IT. I have warm coathatshoeglove and I'm totally happy with the cold weather and cozy blankets.

I feel good. I feel motivated. I feel ready to kick all of your asses and you're all on my side, so imagine what I'm a gunna do to the other half? Hmmm?

I'm doing it!

Passing it

2012-01-13T12:03:00.000-08:00

like a kidney stone my friends.

I swear all I needed was some freaking winter up in this bitch.

Ew.

Today was really the first day in a long while where I had no responsibilities except to work on Chicago Elevated stuff and only that. No cleaning houses, no shopping, no nothing....just work, and my brain.

And it feels great.

I'm at the coffeeshop now, my orange tea by my side and a mountain of things to work on.

One thing...

Stupid exercise.

It's so stupid and I love it.

It's dumb, but it's the one thing that consistently makes me feel good. This morning, with the snow on the ground and the cold temps (it's not even THAT cold, actually, it's really pretty outside if you're layered up like the Hixx) I got on the treadmill and ran and walked and ran and listened to my music and I got all sweaty and I'm in my shorts and it's all snowy outside and it just...it just always makes me feel better.

Stupid exercise.

If you feel like shit and feel badly and wintery and awful, do it...get sweaty, listen to your favorite song, go down in the pedway and do some mall walking, shit I don't know, do videos from you tube, go slow, tell yourself you only need to just walk today - that will change once you get going...do whatever it takes I tell you.

Anyway, I'm feeling better, I really think I am.

Bring it on winter, I can take it....shit...I want it.

I just can't....

2012-01-11T12:42:00.000-08:00

tell you guys how awesome you all are.

I've gotten sweet emails and kind words from so many people. It makes me feel silly (because, guh, just because) but it makes me feel so awesome to know so many sweet people are out there thinking of me. Thank you all very much. Truly.

I know people will probably think I'm nuts and I'll probably think I'm nuts tomorrow, but I'm kind of aching for winter. I want it to be freezing and awful outside. This perpetual sunshine is making me crazy!

You can't have good without bad, you can't have yin without yang and you CANNOT have spring without winter. Without winter, there is no relief on that first bright day in April (May, okay June). Spring's release comes from winter's hold and ....

Anyway.

One happening that has cracked me up in the past few months is that I am now a Board Member! I AM A BOARD MEMBER. THE HIXX! I'm really excited about it, I'm on the board of the Greater South Loop Association and tomorrow night is my very first board meeting. My sweet husband got me a notebook special for my BOARD MEETINGS.

So tomorrow night as I make my way to the south side, icicles hanging off my face, swearing about how freaking cold it is, I hope that's the very thing that kicks me right out of my head and places me back in the present moment.

Thank you to my sweet friends and family and know that I'm just fine, I really am. It's doldrums, but I'm moving and working and writing and exercising and doing my best to delve into this thing, feel it, and then let it go.

Better

2012-01-09T13:55:00.001-08:00

I think.

I'm tired of being a buzzkill.

I'm going to try something. I'm going to try doing what it is I'm supposed to be doing. Like working, writing, laughing, smiling....see if that helps.

Guh.

How are you guys? What is up?

Okay, we started watching Homeland. It's pretty good. It feels A LOT like 24. A lot of similarities I think. There are some plot holes and stuff we question here and there (it's been 3 days lady from V, give the guy a break) but now that it's getting hot and heavy, it's getting pretty good.

I finished all the Hunger Games books and agree with my brother, the first one is the only one that really matters, but they're all addictive and we all know they're like...the Flowers in the Attic books but set in a creepy setting right? The writing is SO similar to VC Andrews and the drama and Katniss is MIGHTY close to the character of Cathy. I can't help it.

I also finished My Life in a Harem by Jill Lauren. That was SO trashy and so good. She lived in Brunei for a year or so and it's awesome and totally now connects to Homeland, which is too weird.

I'm now reading the Jon Krakauer book where he goes after Greg Mortenson for 3 Cups of Tea, which I ready and Krakauer basically rips the whole truth apart and it's kind of awesome.

I'm in the middle of Game of Bones (woot, sorry, in our house it's called Game of Bones) Game of THRONES and it's totally good and just like the tv version. They did an amazing job of recreating that story. Maybe even better than Peter Jackson. Maybe.

So, I'm reading a lot, totally stuck on writing but I continue little bits at a time to keep on going. Luckily for me my director is back home....I need her.

I'm working it.

It's fine.

Right?

Running Away

2012-01-08T10:46:00.000-08:00

Instead of Elizabeth Kubler Ross' 5 stages of denial, I think I have 5 stages of a shitty mood:

1. Confusion
Confusion comes first. "What is this weird horrible feeling? I'm not used to this. Aw, it'll go away"

2. Worry
"Holy shit, it's not going away, it will go away right?"

3. Temporary Relief
"Well hey, I feel pretty good today, I bet it's leaving...."

4. Run Away
This is where I am right now. Definitely the best idea is to sell everything we own and run away to Thailand forever and live there and get away from all this fucking bullshit. Do what we want. In a 3rd world country. During monsoon season...okay maybe not

5. Acceptance
I'm expecting this any moment. Acceptance that it's just going to be like this for the rest of my stupid life.

Ugh.

If 50 degree weather and a really cute dog can't help, how am I going to get out of this?

I'm working on it folks, working on it.

Truth

2012-01-05T12:16:00.000-08:00

Ack, who am I kidding.

Every since Christmas, I've been feeling really shitty.

Guh, it's not shitty exactly, that's not the right word.

Sad maybe?

But each morning I wake up with a boulder of fjaklds;fkalds;h in my stomach and I can't make it go away. Exercise, stretching, sleep, good times with John or friends.

I feel awful.

I suppose it's probably mom. Certainly that Christmas party trip to the old folks home sent me to a sad place and I'm not sure I've bounced back.

Luckily for me, this sadness has transformed itself to a truly nasty case of self-hatred.

And I can see all of it. I can see my sadness, I can see the self-hatred, I can see all of it, know it for what it is, yet...I can't make it GO AWAY.

John has been so patient with me, bringing me treats and making me smile and making fun plans and all of that, and I see that too. I see how each morning when my brow furrows that he's trying to make it go away and I hate that he can't.

My normal lightness is a bit weighed. I'm close to tears a lot.

I'm scared and sad and can't find my fucking groove and it's making me crazy.

My life is REAL good right now, I need my gratitude. I need my drive. I need my confidence and my awesome back so much and I look and look and think and think and work and work and all of it is forced and BLAjsdflka;sdjtiro4pewy8afghieot;hdg

Anyway, I'm cool with me, I know it's a phase. But if I could stop beating up on myself so much about it, it would be better. But see...there's so much to beat myself up for.

Guh, maybe I'll just beat up someone else?

2012

2012-01-03T12:57:00.000-08:00

Lots of people were happy to say goodbye to 2011. I was alright with 2011. It was a pretty good year. If I do say so myself.

But, I'm not one to look backwards, that strains my neck.

Hixx here is looking towards the future.

And I think 2012 is going to be something.

John and I have BIG plans.

1. Out of debt by the end of the world. So I think that's 12/21? 12/23? We're both really excited by this prospect and worked hard for it last year. We're pretty sure we can do this, in fact, we're so sure we can do this...

2. A small trip in March. Possibly with my friend Sabrina to Nawlins. If not that, Austin or Portland or something fun like that. Long weekendish.

3. Morocctober. Eeek. We're planning on Morroco in October 2012. Eeek.

Now, I realize better than some that plans are made to be broken and it's possible that not all these things are going to happen. But you gotta have faith and I do. I think we can do it. In fact, barring any calamities (which always do happen of course) I see no reason why we can't.

But I also think it's going to be an interesting year personally. Certainly, the creative juggernaut (I'M WORKING ON IT, oh god) but also things in the works for John. And of course, my mom. Something is going to happen one way or t'other and my guess is this is the year it's going to happen.

So, it really is a lot. But my god, I would never have imagined a year ago that it would be this fun and great and successful and I hope to say the same about 2012.

BRING IT.

Wow

2011-12-31T10:12:00.000-08:00

Ah.

Here I am. New Year's Eve Day. Sitting in the Argo Tea before I do a private tour. It's nice to be back here. This is where I come to work a lot. So, since I haven't been doing *this* kind of work for a few weeks, it's nice to be back here.

It's really quiet in here, for the past few weeks it's been packed. The streets of downtown are quiet. The past few weeks it's been packed.

I'm quiet, warm, and able to gather some thoughts and answer emails and tweet and read tweets and write a little.

Sigh.

So Christmas, Christmas was good. There are things going on with mom, questions about money and health and, well, she's still not the same old mom I'm used to. That made Christmas really weird. We have lost all traditions and work on making new ones but while we're concerned with mom we kind of just play it by year and .... BLAH. I love my brothers.

On Christmas day we drove to Wisconsin which is always nice. Kids and food and Christmas trees. It's kind of the opposite of the Hixx Christmas.

We got back on Weds and I went right to a private tour downtown, then a busy day Thurs, busy day Fri and then, today...quiet. One more tour and then the next two days are pretty quiet...and then the next few months are pretty quiet. Hee. Scited about that.

I can't even begin to reflect on 2011. I'm too busy looking ahead. 2011 was a good year in our house, I'm looking forward to the next one even more.

Happy New Year Everyone!

The Hixx

Results

2011-12-19T13:04:00.000-08:00

Bokay.

So how did it all go? The movies, the tv shows, the Christmas decorations?

It all went swimmingly. John understands when I get excited he's kind of along for the ride. He does a good job of following timelines and plans, cause that's what I do when I get excited for things, I plan them down to the minute.

Saturday was fun, I had a private tour in the morning then we went to Navy Pier to see MI4. Navy Pier was CURAZY. There was so many people there and they're all just eating and wandering and spending money and waiting in line for the movie! But we got right in, sat right down in our pre-purchased seats and ended up sitting next to a friend of ours we had just brought up in this exact context earlier in the day. So that was pretty fun.

MI4 was good. It wasn't great, it's not my favorite. It was less Mission Impossible, more like...Die Hard or something. Really good action flick, not that great of an MI flick. But still, that stuff with him swinging around the freaking BURJ, THE TALLEST BUILDING IN THE WORLD and knowing that Cruise did most of his own stunts, including that one, well...it took my breath away, especially on the Imax. And there are all kinds of fun doodads and what not.

But they all kept saying to each other "you can do this," or "we can do this" or, "you can do this" some more. And it was really weird, it's like, YOU ARE THE TOP IN THE WORLD, you're the mutherfuckin IMF FOR GODSAKES. Of course you can do this, that's the FUCKING POINT.

So anyway.

Survivor.

I guess it's fine. I think Coach should have won by a mile. Or Ozzy. And seriously, stop with the 3 finalists instead of 2. The other 3rd hardly EVER matters. It's usually only between the two. And Ozzy should have been there. It should have been Ozzy/Coach/Albert with an Ozzy/Coach showdown and we all know it and Sophie got fairly lucky if you ask me. I like her, she's the most like me, that's for sure, but she didn't play some crazy game. She just held still really. Everyone else played their asses off and it sucks that a relatively non-playing person won.

But see, no one asks me what I think.

Although if they did, I would obviously have a lot to say.

The Greatest Weekend

2011-12-17T11:02:00.000-08:00

Guh.

I'm not even sure what to do with myself.

This might be the best weekend that has ever happened.

It's Mission Impossible Saturday AND Survivor Sunday.

It's too much, I can't take it.

Today we go see Ethan Hunt slam it one more time on the Burj Khalifa. As we all know, I love the Mission Impossible movies with the fire of a thousand suns. It's a thing. OH, and we're going to see it at the IMAX, which is just too cool. 3 hours.

Then tomorrow is Survivor Sunday! With one of the best throwdowns in a long time.

I have to go.

Suck It Sadness

2011-12-16T12:36:00.000-08:00

This is how I know I'm a relatively mentally healthy human being.

I can't stay in yesterday's space very long. I hate it there.

This morning I woke up with a ROAR.

I have so many things in my head, so many worries, fears - blah. My competition is creeping on my butt, my mother is failing, there's never enough money....

And I just felt like today all of that could suck it.

There was a post recently, guh, I dunno, Guillbeau or Godin who said "everyone says there's plenty of time, THERE ISN'T. Whatever it is you want to do you have to hop on it NOW."

I'm kind of in that mindset. I have so much freaking work to do. Good work. Happy work. Work that will make people smile and laugh.

It's time. Time to do the work. Time to make the donuts.

Merry Christmas (and Holidays!) my friends. Thank you for being afraid with me and happy with me and joining me on my ups and downs I know you all share. Thank you for making me less afraid because I have the most hilarious people around me. And I'll watch you get old and I'll laugh with you about peri-menopause (Erica) and when you're stuck in the old folks home, I'll come see you and I'll bring a tiny cheeseburger and whether you can understand me or not, we'll laugh and laugh and sing and sing....

And then I'll go back to my room around the corner and sing and laugh in there.

A Little Christmas Thinking

2011-12-15T12:21:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday I went to my mom's Christmas/Holiday party at the Old Folks Home.

Generally one knows going into this that it's not going to be a laugh riot, but mom's usually pretty fun. And she knows every single carol, especially the classical ones, and she's usually up front and center singing, while everyone else kind of mumbles the words.

So I went to go hang with mom. I dunno, the lady just isn't there really. Granted, I got there at 5PM and mom's usually much more with it during the day. And the holiday party is hectic, all the nurses running around, everyone who works there is dressed up, singing, trying their damndest...

Mom was sitting at a table with Margaret Panscher, who I've never met. Margaret was very confused that I was Margaret too.

The guys from the restaurant come up to serve a meal. They have no idea what they're doing and it's not their fault. Everyone on the floor has a different way to eat, no solids, all solids, cut, whole, soup, not, meat, not...it took forever. And let's be honest...the food is not good.

Anyway, mom couldn't keep it together, I tried to talk to her but hell, Santa's there and all the people and nurses coming up to say hi. Mom's not eating anymore, so you can't force her.

And we're all sitting around, doing our best to sing Christmas songs and find the joy, and while I'm trying to force mom to eat something, the guy behind us has a huge coughing fit. In the middle of "Comfort and Joy," being lacklusterly played on the piano, this poor guy is coughing up a lung, his daughter (?) and nurse are wiping his chin full of spitup, he's moaning and racking coughing, mom's pushing food around on her plate and Margaret Panscher's face lights up at the music and she sings without really being sure of the words.

It was the most depressing thing I've done in a long time.

Life is so sweet. I love it. Even when it's hard, I love it. I love studying the human condition. I love movies and traveling and my husband and work and my dog and winter and summer and reading and writing and touring and smelling and hearing and walking and running and swimming and flailing and failing and succeeding and crying and laughing and weeping and ....

And then, the big shit of it is, life ends with difficulty.

Why oh why can we not live this joyous life and then just fucking die? Why do we have to get old and scared and frail and sad?

Yes yes, I know, it doesn't have to be this way, but it is, for everyone. The pains and aches and the loss of independence. It doesn't matter who you are, this is how it ends. We go through this big long struggle and instead of peace, we get war of the body and mind.

All these people have struggled so hard, only to end up coughing so hard their ribs break at some shitty little Christmas party in an Old Folks Home.

Sorry, sorry to be so depressing but it racked me hard.

If you can avoid it, don't go to an Old Folks Home Christmas party. If you can't avoid it, meditate for like 80 hours before you go. Because it'll shake you...hard.

Doors closing, windows opening

2011-12-12T15:11:00.000-08:00

Many months ago, the young and impressionable Hixx was (okay, maybe not YOUNG) was all excited about a certain something that rhymed with Moprah.

See, Zach Anner won the "win your own show" on the OWN Network. Zach Anner has cerebral palsy and he decided to do a travel show. Great idea actually and one of the places Zach was to check out was Chicago and something that Zach checked out in Chicago? The Pedway Tour!

My first national piece! This was going to do big things for me! WOW.

Cutting room floor.

ACK! OH NO!

Meh, it's okay.

I'm proud of myself. I've been working hard on not swinging one way or another anymore. I mean yes, I love nice reviews and being in the Wall Street Journal, and yes, that seems to be what helps my particular business the most and what I'm good at....media....but man, I'm really okay about it.

Plus, there are other fun things in the hopper and my 40 year old brain knows things now. One thing she knows is that you're not "on" something until it airs. I'm glad I kept this close to the vest and didn't tell many people about it. I'd have some explaining to do right now. heh.

Anyway, we dvr'd Zach Anner's show, it airs on Monday, I'm looking forward to seeing it. He's a really great and funny guy and I hope his show does well! And it was fun and exciting to film my segment, even if it didn't make it.

So the lesson here is, shut your trap until you're sure and then don't be sad when your instincts about shutting up on things you're not sure about actually come true.

That was one whack sentence.

Old and warm

2011-12-09T14:05:00.001-08:00

I honestly get fearful of winter. I think a lot of us do. We get anxious and worried and scared and depressed.

But not this year! NO HOW NO WAY.

Why?

Because my handsome husband did his wife a solid. John managed to get a gift certificate for Patagonia, and he did the right thing alright alright, he gave the GC to his wife.

Now, we all know I'm not a shopper, not even close. Usually what I'll do is get the cheapest of whatever it is I need (food, clothes, shoes, doesn't matter) and run out the store as fast as I can. So, I've spent many many winters with a cheap coat and cheap Payless shoes. I've never even really known a true coat. Not really.

So this year I went to Patagonia, tried on all the coats and picked one with the nice lady's advice. The coat I picked weighs less than my fingernail. I'm not kidding. And it's slim and compact. I told the nice lady that I didn't believe this would work, this light coat - it feels like nothing is in it.

For the first time, I took my coat out yesterday and OH MY GOD. Is this how people have lived? This is how they do it! This is the warmest fucking (I've been swearing today, bear with me, hi Melisa!) coat I have ever worn in my life. It's totally lightweight so it works great in the pedway. It's not heavy and I don't get all hot. And it works with your own body temp, so as soon as I unzip it, it just feels like I'm wearing a hoodie or something.

Next up? Boots. Good boots. John's parents are buying me REAL boots for Xmas. They're beautiful. And I can't wait.

I feel very mature and grown up, like the time I bought myself a real umbrella. This is aging people. And it is Fantastic.

Alright

2011-12-07T12:52:00.001-08:00

Stuff

2011-12-05T08:10:00.001-08:00

That was a weird weekend.

John arrived home Thursday night sick as a doggy. When my spouse is sick, everything kind of goes into this weird suspended time. Friday I had tours, etc. and when I got home he was passed out on the couch, dead to the world. I figured it wouldn't be the WORST time for karaoke.

Saturday more tours and went to do some work, I got home and John was passed out on the couch, dead to the world.

I stayed, we watched TV for hours. We're watching Boardwalk Empire and it's just so awesome.

Yesterday I went to see my mom, man, she's still real weird. I don't know, it's about time she could be fading a little bit (in March it will be EIGHT years that she's been lying in that bed, I'm surprised she hasn't lost it yet). She's just kind of loopy and out of it and I said to John that maybe she's starting to move on her way out, which I know is totally heretical of me, but this would actually be an okay thing. Mom's been stuck this way for a long time, we love her, but we all hope for release for her as well.

I said to John "Watch, her downward spiral is going to take YEARS." Guh. To just watch mom kind of fade away for the next two years is not really the way I'd choose to do this, but alas, she's still pretty funny when you can get her focused and she's still mom.

ANYWAY, I got home and napped and then, and then, and THEN we went to a wedding ceremony of a gal John works with.

She's Pakistani. Her husband is Romanian.

This was one of the most amazing wedding celebrations/receptions I've ever seen ever.

Indian women in full-on saris which are just so attractive really, especially the fancy wedding ones.

But the Romanians were AMAZING. The men are all tall and swarthy and dark and scary looking. They're totally handsome and cheesy and scary and sexy. The Romanian women were almost the same, but they're wearing REALLY short dresses and huge boobs and tons of makeup and no shame and the men are all standing out in the hallway like they're getting ready to have a shootout and the women are in the bathroom changing their clothes for the next event. The Indian women are in the bathroom rewrapping their saris and the whole thing was just crazy and fun and bizaare.

And although John and I were very excited to see what Romanian/Indian food looked like, we ended up with the rubber chicken and and shapely mashed potatoes.

Somethings shall never change.

I'm so freaking hot

2011-12-01T09:09:00.001-08:00

So, I don't know, maybe it's begun.

The past few nights I've been waking up SWEATING (I originally wrote SWEARING, which is actually true as well) a lot. Like, my face is covered in sweat and the pillow...it's kinda gross.

Is it?

It's almost time, I mean, it's about time for something to maybe start thinking about happening, you know, with the uterus and the loss of my femininity.

Just kidding, I never had that much to begin with.

But as we grow older, we learn words like "perimenopause," the pre of the loss of womanhood.

Kidding.

But I'm 41, "they" certainly say that perimenopausel (sp?) things can start happening right around now.

Ew. I know.

And I'll tell you what, I've never been a woman with a lot of troubles in that area. My monthly visits are generally pretty standard, a little cramping, but what the heck, more reason to lay on the couch. I've never had problems on or off the pill and it's just not something that's ever really bothered me.

I plan on that continuing.

It's not a problem that I'm growing older, it's really not. I work hard on this being as natural and awesome as possible.

But I haven't thought about this aspect of it this much and I think what I'm most concerned with actually, is just being uncomfortable. I don't like being uncomfortable. I'm a great sleeper, I LOVE sleep, I don't want sleep to become obnoxious for me.

It's all falling apart folks, soon I will be come an invisible middle-aged woman with wonky hormones and sweat on my moustached lip. I will complain loudly of the heat and lose all sense of my identity because I've lost the only real thing that makes me different from my hairy, yet handsome, husband.

Or ... maybe it's just too many blankets on the bed.

Kay

2011-11-28T13:23:00.001-08:00

Hi everyone! I hope you had an awesome holiday. For me, it felt like YEARS, but it was really nice. John and I stayed pretty quiet. He's been watching Boardwalk Empire and finally convinced me it's something I need to see (I mean, Al Capone, Johnny Torrio, Big Jim Colossimo? He's totally right, I did need to see it) so we sat a lot on the couch, watching Boardwalk Empire and eating and hugging the dog. It was really nice.

And now, now it's time to work!

You know what you do when you're stuck? You ask someone who knows better than you. Then, when you ask someone who knows better than you, you take what you need from it and dump what you don't.

I've been so overwhelmed with my creative process (ew) that I was stuck. I didn't know what to do next. So I asked a very old friend of mine who I haven't spoken to in years and of course he was AWESOME and totally helped me plan an attack and now I'm practically busting out of my pants to get to work.

But he also gave me some advice I'm just not prepared to take right now.

And I can't tell you, how for 24 hours I totally flipped out because I wasn't ready for the step he suggested. And then in the middle of whining to my husband about it, it hit me....maybe it's not fear that's stopping me from not doing the next step, but the ultimate fact that I'm just not ready. Not every voice in my head that says "NO" is the wrong voice, or a fearful voice, which is what I always assume. In my mind, if I don't want to do something, it means I'm scared to.

But I'm talking to John and in the middle of it I said, "maybe I'm not supposed to do this thing yet and every bone in my body is screaming not to, maybe I should listen to that instead of battling it?"

GUH. It is SO hard to be self-aware. Heh.

So I'm on, I'm in, I'm over, I'm under, I'm next to it and on top of it.

In other words, I'm all over it.

Imitation < Flattery

2011-11-25T11:02:00.001-08:00

Whew!

What a fun Thanksgiving. John and I saw my mom in the morning. That was a little rough. Mom's on a couple of different drugs and she's LOOPED. Totally looped. It's really sad seeing her like that, but then on the other hand, it makes me realize how truly with it she is normally. It was not the most fun Thanksgiving breakfast/lunch, but John was sweet and there's nothing like Thanksgiving in an old folks home to make you remember how lucky, grateful and awesome we have it. I'll be in that home soon enough.

But THEN, we came home for a few hours, hung with the Remo, and then headed out to the Horseshoe Casino in Hammond. We caught the bus at Argyle and Broadway, they were playing Christmas music on the shuttle and handing out candy. It was so weird and so fun and anything that slightly resembles travelling gets me and John all excited.

The casino was fairly rockin', we lost a lot of money right away. Not a lot, but a lot for us. And the thing with the shuttle is, you have to wait until the next bus leaves, so you're a little bit at their mercy.

So we had casino buffet for Thanksgiving dinner (it was actually pretty good) and then went to the high rollers slot room. We played a few 5$ slots and won back our money! We played a couple of penny slots and made our way home on the shuttle again.

It was so fun and weird.

And honestly, business business business. Hell, I made a few business calls on Thanksgiving, (private tour tomorrow!). I can't stop thinking, worrying, wondering. I've noticed quite a few copycat pedway tours lately.

Sigh.

It's okay, it really is. Sure, this is MY bread and butter and imitation is flattery (my ass) and I'm really working on not getting worked up! But it's hard. It's really hard not to get angry and jealous and mad.

And of course, it's like Say Anything, I work harder when there's more competition, you bet.

But it's the creative juggernaut that's going to change everything, so I have to stay focused. I have to stay disciplined. I have to work to create something out of nothing (and so much) and just keep my eye on the prize. My prize. Not someone else's prize.

Good luck compeition, you're gonna be eating my tracks...(what does that mean?)

TURKEY!

2011-11-23T09:07:00.001-08:00

I don't know where time goes.

Up my butt maybe.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving this weekend! We are having a few friends over tonight, tomorrow we'll go see my mom and bring her smushy, white bread, turkey sandwiches. With cheddar.

Tomorrow afternoon it looks like we may head to the CASINO. I know, it's totally hedonistic and I love it.

What is it going to be like?

Thank you to my wonderful blog readers and commenters.

Thank you to my husband for being really freaking strong this year and patient and cool and funny.

Thank you to Chicago for continuing to provide me with every single thing I could ever want and love.

Thank you to Survivor for continuing to be the most awesome tv show ever.

YAY!

Relaxing ye olde crack

2011-11-17T12:58:00.001-08:00

Guh, I'm so up and down these days.

The phones have stopped ringing, emails have basically stopped coming in and I'm FREAKING OUT. Yes yes, I realize, this is what I've been waiting for. And yes, I have tons of work to do. And yes, it's supposed to get quiet when it's 30 degrees out, but I'm SCARED.

Or something.

John and I are a little flush right now, with money saved for the holidays, for taxes and other things, we're trying to take care of a bunch of business now. New coat, new shoes, new glasses.

Today I didn't have a tour so I went downtown, and shopped.

It was horrible.

I hate shopping.

And it felt so weird to not be "working" and going downtown and BUYING things.

But secretly, it also felt awesome.

So does having a day of work ahead of me without time constraints.

My friend John Alcott says it's going to take a couple of weeks. To really settle into it. And that I should enjoy it. But I have this weird guilt thing that takes over and if I'm not doing something, I feel really weird about that.

So I'm working on it. I'm working on not working. I'm working on not freaking out and enjoying. I'm working on working at my level and my pace and not worrying so much about something that I really don't need to worry about.

Guh.

Back to work.

The Girl with the Confusing Tattoo

2011-11-14T13:27:00.001-08:00

I'm totally digging that book by the way. God, I forgot how much I like to read. I've just been reading so much educational stuff lately, it's so great to get just lost and want to read all the time. And the feel of the book in my hands...love it.

The reason why I have a confusing tattoo is because I have a Thai tattoo at the base of my neck, written in Thai letters that say "laugh." Yes yes, I checked all over, it definitely does not say "stupid white girl"

But people get confused and think it's Arabic or any number of things. Plus it makes for a good blog headline.

So last night I had another first. I was hired by a very nice guy to come and talk to his group. What he wanted, was a lecture on Chicago history. And he wanted it to be funny. I got the gig from Second City, so I was excited, and nervous. I had no pictures or anything to reference and speaking for an hour, oh my god...

But this is what I want, more stuff like this. So last night at 6PM I went to Smith and Wollensky and got settled in. A group of about 50 arrived and they had been in a conference for a week basically. This was their last night. I was warned: they're going to be really tired and kind of over it. That's why they wanted funny.

Excellent.

I sat at a group of about 8 of them during dinner. The nicest, coolest people I have ever met. They welcomed me with open arms to their dinner and we went around the table and talked about ourselves. People are so freaking fascinating. We had an international table, people from all over the world, I had to describe myself as a "regular old American" at one point. People's mother's had just died, people had fought cancer and changed their lives, people lived in Guam. GUAM!

It was so Burningman. It was so cool to hear from what was just a regular table of people.

And then, after they had copious amounts of wine and steak, they called me up!

And I was hilarious.

Granted, this was a wide open and VERY friendly audience, however, I managed to keep them interested and most importantly, laughing, for a good 45 minutes.

And I could have kept right on going.

They clapped and laughed, they told me they never knew these things. One lady gave me a hug.

I sold one book and gave one away.

In short, it was fantastic.

And a really solid push for the creative juggernaut. This is it folks, what I'm working on is the sum total of everything in my life for the past 20 years.

I have so much to do. But I am on THE track. There is no other.

Hell yeah.

Giving Thanks

2011-11-12T19:35:00.001-08:00

Saturday night. And I'm sitting at a Starbucks at 9:38PM, so weird.

I'm waiting for Sabrina, going to see her show she directed at Second City. Wasting time. But not, actually just got tons of work done.

So yay, the Channel 2 piece came out, it's pretty awesome. It's here if you want to check it. I think it's really cute! I love the "after chatter" when they talk about the pedway at the end of the piece. That's where the best sound bites come in. Anyway, this HELPS, a lot, as does the Wall Street Journal piece. The Pedway is going pretty great till the 1st of the year, then I'll nab something else, right? RIGHT!

We went to John's parents in Wisco. This counts as our Thanksgiving and we had a really good time. John's parents live on acres and acres of land in Fremont. They're house is hidden, the second you walk out the door you can't even see the house anymore. It's dark, and quiet and the most beautiful mid-western beauty. Remo loves it and is alternately scared of the noises and smells. Shoot, there are turkeys wandering around. Remo would poop himself to be able to get after a turkey.

It's nice to get out of the city and ride in a car with my husband, we yammer away, like we haven't been together for almost 8 years (whoosh!). I love it.

And there are children. 7 and 3. Whoosh.

And food. Turkey. Mashed potatoes. 3 kinds of pie.

So good.

Things are good. Seems like times are in an upswing. I'm doing my best not to freak the shit out that something horrible is right around the corner. Because that's morose...and I'm awesome.

Quieter week next week. Lots of work. Lots of tea.

Hi!

2011-11-07T15:14:00.000-08:00

Whoop, from Weds to Mon, that's too long to not have written.

Hi!

Okay, so Survivor is just the best show ever and ANYONE who says differently has never watched it. REALLY watched it. So there.

I start out my blog with that blanket statement to set the tone of friendliness and kindness. Heh.

So, good weeks, good days. It's all going really well right now. Holding on to that. It's nice when that happens. Tours are over, but things are still busy, which is great. I had a busy week anyway last week and the in-laws came to town over the weekend (Food and New Clothes!), this week John has off and I'm still working this week and then we're driving to Wisco on Thursday and that's going to be our Thanksgiving, so AHhhhh, things are still nutty. But good nutty.

It's possible a certain tv news station came on a certain tour today, but um, it's only possible.

I'm reading Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and it's the first non-Chicago book I've really read in awhile. I'm digging it, it's really good. That always makes me laugh when I find popular books, or even some of the classics, are good books. Of course they are Hixx, that's why you know about it in the first place. Sigh.

But I had to read it before the movie comes out which looks great. And the Mission Impossible 4 movie looks good too. I love the MI movies and Tom Cruise and this one has him bouncing all over the Burj Khalifa, the highest building in the world:

That looks neat too. I get all excited after I see that.

So yeah, I'm a touch spazzy today no?

FINALLY

2011-11-02T11:14:00.000-07:00

Gawd.

Longest week ever.

I have been waiting for SEVEN WHOLE DAYS for today to be here. I can't wait anymore. I'm finished, I'm going to EXPLODE.

Tonight we get to see what happens to Ozzy.

Brilliance? Idiocy? Does it matter? It's excellent television. I haven't been this excited about a night of television in a long time. Not even this excited for a Survivor episode in a long time.

And this my friends, is why I love Survivor.

Because I hate Redemption Island, I think it's so silly and dumb. I feel like it takes away from the game.

But what I love is how the Survivors constantly play with the rules of the game and figure out ways around it. Who would have ever thought this little stunt up? I love that it was Ozzy, I love that this is the first time it happened and I love how they massage the game, bend the rules and come up with whole new strategies that now fit within the framework of the game.

I don't know if this is going to be brilliance or ridiculousness, but I do know that I will be sitting and waiting for it with baited breath.

Bring it on Ozzy. Or Christine. Or Albert. Or Coach.

I just have no idea.

Here!

2011-10-30T09:58:00.001-07:00

The end of tour season officially. I have my Second City tour at 1:00 and that's it! Woo hoo! OMG! Oh man. Oh god!

I still have the pedway tours and next Saturday I'm booked the entire day, BUT, it's done. I'm so excited and scared.

We were real quiet for Halloween party night. I've been enjoying the season quite a bit, all my scary movies, the beautiful October we had, the decorations, all of it. But last night we just couldn't do it for multiple reasons and stayed in and watched American Horror Story. Which is actually getting pretty good, anyone watching this?

I can't wait. I can't wait to start working on my project. It makes me cry. I want it so bad it makes me cry.

This is really great.

I've wanted things before, mostly money though. Most of everything that I do, I do so I can make more money somehow. I'm a consumer, forgive me.

But my creative juggernaut, my winter project, my "time in the sun" is something I can see so clearly. I see it. I know it. I WANT IT. I want it to happen. And I don't want it to happen on a small scale, I want this to be BIG. BIG BIG BIG.

Like Chicago.

So, if I'm on twitter more, blogging more, looking for lunch dates more, just bear with me. I'm learning how to live without my Redlight Tour, my Disaster! Tour and my Riverwalk Tour.

I'll miss them.

Back next year.

YAY!

Omg.

Rosemary's Baby this afternoon.

OMG

I don't know what's up

2011-10-25T13:37:00.000-07:00

but I cannot stay away from the scary movies this season. And not even the new ones, but the old ones, the classics.

About two weeks ago, after John fell sound asleep on the couch, I stayed up and watched The Shining for the 90 millionth time. Still scares me every time.

John and I watched Paranormal Activity last weekend (I've seen 'em both before, waiting to see the 3rd one) and then last night, I turned out all the lights...got the dog on my lap, and watched Halloween and then right after I did Carrie.

Carrie I've seen 70 million times.

They're just so good.

I can't stop.

I'm getting ready to watch The Exorcist right now actually.

I figure I get a little downtime as my season comes to a close (comes to a close my butt, in some smooth moves I have tours almost all next week, but still, that's kind of awesome). I haven't done much sitting on my butt this summer, so I'm kind of enjoying this winding down part.

Movies. Movies and more movies. Scary ones please.

Any suggestions? I've seen a lot, but lemme hear you.

WOW!

2011-10-20T11:07:00.000-07:00

Almost a week since my last confession.

I have sinned oh Lord have I sinned!

I really haven't actually.

So, let's see, news....

The Pedway Tour got a nice mention in the Wall Street Journal! That was nice, press is ALWAYS nice, nothing ups my attendance than a nice mention in a newspaper. I still have people that come from the Sun-Times article in May.

So for those of you keeping track: I have been in:

The Guardian
The Wall Street Journal
The Sun-Times
The Chicago Tribune

Not bad for a girl that no one noticed while she stood on stage half drunk trying to be funny eh?

I'm pleased, right in time for the pedway tour to pick back up. S'great.

I'm now 1.5 weeks away from being done with the summer tours. As you know, I'm both excited and horrified. I spend my days wishing I had more time and then when I have more time I get very nervous. It is really hard to watch your work sinking away, but the truth is, I have some private tours set up for November, people are noticing the pedway again and it's time for another full on press dump for it too.

Home life is good.

I always say I hate winter but goddamn do I cozy up to cozy real quick. The dog...the dog totally knows what up. He spends the summer sleeping on the bed, he spends the winter sleeping on whatever blanket happens to be wrapping my body at the moment.

Last night during the really gross part of the day, with the wind and the rain and the darkness, Remo ran outside, pooped, peed and ran back to the house.

I love my dog.

And my husband. He's so frakking warm it's ridiculous.

The joy of coming to our warm, clean house after a day of traipsing in the cold and rain is just so massive, I'm kidding myself if I said I hated winter. The beauty of winter is coming home.

So things are good. My mind races, I'm reading like a maniac, I'm seeing lots of friends, I'm preparing to write (heh) and Survivor is just awesome this time around.

That'd be it.

Friday

2011-10-14T11:55:00.000-07:00

Whew, it's been a long week. A busy week. I had lectures and things to attend. It was fun.

Yesterday I had 3 FULL tours and it rained all day. All 3 tours went, but I think about half the people.

Did anyone go to Chicago Ideas Week? I'm curious...

Two more weeks and tours are done for good (for the winter I mean, besides the pedway tour I mean) and OH MAN, I have a lot of work to do. I've started keeping a list again. Part of what I have to do is make more lists.

So, when you're a business owner, what's the line between being likeable and being honest? I've been battling this lately, there are things I want to say or talk about, mostly Chicago related and some of it I just dont' feel comfortable saying.

I have a wicked, dark and mean sense of humor and I mostly try and keep it in check. I run a business, I can't be making dirty jokes on twitter or FB under Chicago Elevated's name.

I want to rip Chicago Ideas Week apart on my Chicago Elevated blog, but I'm hesitant...

I'm trying to be adorable and nice and friendly and approachable. But on the other hand, people can get that anywhere, isn't it my dark sense of humor that separates me from other people?

I'm so tired of thinking about other people (says the blogger who just started every sentence with "I".)

I am though.

So concerned.

All the time.

What do you guys think?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh man.

I slay me.

Inspiration

2011-10-10T12:37:00.000-07:00

First of all, if you're a person like I am, a person with very few quantifiable skill sets, please check out Chris Guillebeau today. He's so awesome.

Breaking Bad?

I went to the theater twice last week with Sabrina. It helps to have a box office manager for a best friend. We went to see Carrie Fisher's Wishful Drinking and The Great Fire at Lookingglass.

Carrie Fisher was awesome. She was beyond awesome. She was fantastic. Sabrina and I have a nasty habit of leaving shows at intermission, it's a thing. But no way were either one of us going anywhere during Wishful Drinking's intermission. No way. We were at that theater for 2.5 hours and never once thought of leaving. She is hilarious, smart, self-deprecating, a total professional and a complete inspiration. Everyone in the audience giggled and this was a huge audience. How one woman could handle that whole theater, really inspiring.

We also saw the Great Fire, which was also inspiring, although for different reasons. It was not my favorite. I mean, I realize, I can be one of the "harder" audience members to convince here, but it was really chaotic and all over the place and I loved the idea of the Fire as a character, but...if I was a tourist, I would have been really confused I think and absolutely positive that Mrs. O'Leary did it...

Anyway, this is good for me, to see other people's art. To see it live and in the theater, to study it and wonder about it.

Learning what I don't want is just as important as knowing what I do.

Tonight I go to an architecture lecture for Chicago Ideas week, Wednesday I go to my first National Tour Guides Association meeting, I have another lecture tomorrow night...

It's getting there folks.

The other day, as I walking to a tour, with my laptop in my backpack so I could get some writing done later - I asked myself, "if you could do anything with your days, what would it be?" and in sort of a complaining tone to myself, I answered "I just want to write and give tours."

Heh. This is exactly what I was going to do.

I crack myself up sometimes.

Carry on.

Jobs

2011-10-06T12:38:00.000-07:00

Ooh I'm so deep, because this post is about Steve Jobs and actual jobs. So I'm real cool.

The 3 most important people in my life right now are struggling with their lives, namely, their jobs. Each one of them complains (or vents, is that a nicer word? No, because the right word is complains) about their work. I am not complaining about them complaining.

But it's fascinating to me that each one of them is going through the exact same thing. They're each trying to figure out how to get out of it, but still stay loyal to a company that's been good to them. They're each trying to figure out how to get out of this problem with the least amount of change, the least amount of pain and the least amount of .... unknowing.

I try and help, but I'm no good anymore at this, I mean, I'm lucky. Sure, I started my own business and got out of the race (THANK GOD) but I had support, I had John, who could support me while I did this. Although, when I think about it, when I started Chicago Elevated neither one of us had jobs, so...I did start with nothing. But I am lucky that I've been able to follow my wish while having a nice cozy cushion to fall back on.

I realize most people don't have this, especially if they are single, they can't just quit their jobs and sign up for life! you know?

But, there is always a way.

I find their stories interesting, I watch them talk themselves into staying in their jobs, I watch them tell the personal myths that keep us all so stuck. I watch them unconsciously enjoying the pressure of a job they hate. And trust me, I'm not putting them down, like I said...3 most important people in my life....but I do see the traps they've set for themselves. The impossibility of a way out, the shaking of the heads when another option is presented...

And the frustration, so much frustration.

And each one of them is working it out, going up and down, in and out, mulling it over in their heads, playing with the options, the fears, the securities and the insecurities of it all.

And then there's Steve Jobs, who I think changed the world more than anyone ever. He changed the whole world. And in that commencement speech, when he talks about everyone else's dogma, and living someone else's life and how ridiculous it all is - it just amazes me what we are all capable of, and if there was some way to make sure that we all could do what we were good at, what we loved, oh my god how much more enjoyable it would all be.

I stand firmly behind my three people, I listen and nod and gently (or sometimes not so much) urge them to stop being so afraid, to take a chance and find a way to make it happen. Changing your life is not bad work, but it is hard work and I love them all so much for wanting something different. I love them for being frustrated.

Those are good signs.

WhewYAY!

2011-10-04T16:41:00.001-07:00

Well, it happened! My brother got married.

It was awesome.

I've known his wife(!) for almost 15 years, she's an improviser, I met her in my first few days doing improv. She went to Amsterdam for many years, when she came home a few years ago she started hanging out again. I brought my brother to a New Year's Eve party....and that was it. It was immediate. I've never seen it that immediate before. To watch this happen before my eyes was amazing.

It was like...OH! Of course Rachel. Yes. Of course. Perfect.

So they got married on Sunday in Oak Park and had a big ole bash at a restaurant downtown. It was really fun and sweet and awesome. Lots of emotion this time around. Mom bawled like a child. Seriously. It was kind of excellent.

I'm quite pleased. And of course, I have no pictures. I swore I was going to be awesome about pictures and I just wasn't. So lame.

The hulabaloo is over, the brothers have gone home...it's weird, I miss them already.

A few more weeks of tours, then it all ends. So strange.

Things change. Change is good. More change. Bring it on, I'll eat it for breakfast.

Redefining

2011-09-28T13:14:00.000-07:00

Now I think is the time to reevaluate what I'm doing, to question some goals and make new ones. I like reassessing things, that's fine with me.

But I'm thinking I need all new definitions for things these days. If I'm going to do what I need to do to get this creative project off the ground, I have to focus. up. hard. It's a lot of work, it's going to take discipline:

“We must all suffer one of two things: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret and disappointment.”

I've been thinking about that quote a lot lately.

I need to redefine what "work" means, and "play" and "reward" and love and laziness and relationships and what I want and what I don't and what I'm willing to do for all of those things that I want.

I'm still so fantastically concerned with right and wrong, with whether I'm working hard enough or not working at all. I'm concerned if others think I'm working hard enough or not.

It's driving me bananas.

I am not a freaking child for godsakes. No one is breathing over my shoulder anymore. It doesn't matter anymore if it's right or wrong or whether I'm liked or loved or whether the bus driver validates whether I've worked hard enough today.

GAH.

I'm tired of other people's definitions of things. I care not for words like: illogical, irresponsible, lazy, tired, mistaken, fucked up

or hell, even the words for success, cause those suck too.

I'm going through a redefining process, it's kind of fun.

Excited, nervous, ready

2011-09-23T10:49:00.000-07:00

Guh, tours in the late season like this - I thought it would all kind of quiet down but everything gets just a smidge harder because the weather is just less likely to cooperate. Honestly, I've had a few more tastes in the past week or so, of what it's going to be like this winter and I'm aching for it!

You all know I love giving tours, but DAMN, I'm tired of worrying where 90 people can go to the bathroom, I'm tired of taking awesome seniors out on a riverwalk tour and it starts pouring and we're miles away from our lunch place. I'm tired of worrying about it honestly.

I have started my creative juggernaut in earnest now. I'm working on two things in my life right now, getting my website up to par for a few nice things coming in October and November and .... my creative juggernaut. My juggernaut (I'm just not ready to spill all the beans on it but I'm pretty sure all of you know what it is mostly) involves writing and research and sitting with books open on my lap and cups of tea. My website stuff requires me sitting down with a couple of hours to figure out how to install one particular type of plugin.

I'm enjoying this work. This cozy work, this indoor work.

I never would have believed it, but my awesome, summer, outdoor job has made me more excited for winter than I have ever been.

John is home, nice to have him back.

My brother gets married a week from Sunday! Family starts coming in next week and celebrating and toasts and lunches and dinners and laughing and dancing and happiness.

C'mon winter. I can handle it.

Just so you all know...

2011-09-21T08:43:00.001-07:00

this new Facebook layout is not helping bring me back. Guh.

So much

2011-09-20T15:35:00.000-07:00

Well, I had nothing to say now I have lots.

Going with the easy solution on the credit cards, I'm going to try Eventbrite, that's the next thing on my list. Just so's you's all's knows.

Oh my mom, just before I got to her home to visit her yesterday she tried to get something to show me and fell out of her wheelchair. She hit her head, really hard. I arrived about 2 minutes after the fact. She was crying, she was so upset, mostly that she had put a crimp into our afternoon. We went to the hospital because she wasn't feeling well and mom and I sat in the emergency room for a few hours. She's fine, but it was...upsetting. But it's okay, she's fine and it's not even that bruised, which is good because my brother is getting married in two weeks!

I have not been on twitter or facebook in a few days. I don't know what's going on. I don't know if it's because I've had other work to do and I just haven't looked or what, but I'm not feeling so sharing lately and I dunno. It's weird. I love twitter. I love facebook. But I just can't bear it right now. We'll see what happens but if it's in my cards to kind of let those things go, then so be it.

I'm giving a Boystown Tour here in a few minutes. SO WEIRD. I have not done this since last summer and I generally don't think about it, but looking back over it and relearning it, dammit, it's a good tour. I hated it for awhile because of it's failure rate, but doing it again tonight...I'm looking forward to it. Such a great neighborhood, such a great history, such a pretty night.

John is out of town working on his own creative project. I've definitely gone out of town without John on a number of occasions, Burningman, Vegas, that kind of thing, but John has never really done it. It's so weird. Where is he? Why is he not there? But my man set me up, at home there is homemade ice cream, mini-Charleston Chews, a burger, a hot pretzel...everything I could ever need. He's the best.

Oh, it's also our anniversary today! 3 years. For some reason neither I nor John is crazy about celebrating our anniversary. I mean, we're both happy and it's fun to think about...but neither one of us gets too bent out of shape about it. So...we'll celebrate it...sometime.

That's about it.

BAH

2011-09-16T12:31:00.000-07:00

I'm so confused.

This is the one thing about this business, there's just not that many people to ask questions of. I have one guy that helps me out quite a bit, but other than that, I really fly by the seat of my pants.

Setting myself up for credit cards is either - really hard and contracts and bullshit - but a really pretty thing to put on my website with a calendar and pretty tour bells and whistles

OR

I can use Eventbrite or something - with no bells and whistles, no calendar, but no contracts, no redtape, no scary adult things...

I'm so confused.

And I think I'm nervous about winter. I like having a business that goes up and down with the season, it's actually making me look forward to winter in a way, it's a whole different time for me, more writing, more computer, more administrative work.

But guh, it's hard to watch the tours die. I have a busy week next week and then...my calendar is empty - no reservations, no private tours, no nothing.

It's kind of a identity crisis.

But it's normal, it's going to happen, it happens to EVERYONE in this business, but it's still weird. It makes me nervous.

In a not evil way at all, I've been asking myself this question: What would you do to answer this question if you had NO ONE at all to help you.

No John to help with marketing materials, no brothers to help with websites, no other tour guides to ask for help, what would I do if it literally was just me? And this actually has been great for me in finding my own answers and making my own decisions whether they be good or bad. When I ask myself this question, an overriding answer always presents itself.

I think it did just now too.

Why don't I try the easy one with no contracts, no obligations? Why would I not try that one first and then see what happens? If I don't like it...I keep on the more complicated, yet prettier, path.

Thanks lil blog.

(that one was for you Melisa!)

Did it

2011-09-12T10:02:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it, I got past 9/11 without any blog post or anything like that. That's fine, I have miles to say about 9/11, like everyone, but...

I spent my day giving tours of beautiful buildings in the prettiest city in the world and stuffing my face with Vietnamese food, and that was perfect.

I'm trying to be more adult about my business. That's the new thing. I just filled out my application to take credit cards! WOW! After two years in business, I'm really moving forward right? I also will be raising my ticket prices next year (because now I have to pay for all these fees to take credit cards, hurumph, there's still something about keeping my tix price low, taking cash only and moving forward with that, but let's face it, everyone orders things from the internet and I'd hate to think even one person was turned off by not being able to, so...) I have to start becoming like my competition, which I hate.

But like Dan Izzo said, it doesn't matter whether I hate it or not, or believe in it or not, it matters whether my customers do and if this specific change that I hate will bring more customers in, then it doesn't matter about MY opinion on it.

Grr.

He's right. I know he is.

I am an entrepreneur, it's time I act like one - now that I can actually spell that word correctly.

Okay, well that was....something

2011-09-08T15:46:00.000-07:00

So, I had a day I've been dreading. A bus tour.

Bus tours? Not so much my thing. It's just, I like to take my time, stop - talk about things, answer questions, look at it again, look at the building across the street, talk about what happened and then look at the building again.

On a bus tour it's like, you get one sentence to say something about something. It's hard.

So I had 50 folks from a retirement community and we did a walking tour of Old Town, then lunch at Twin Anchors (yum), then on the bus for a tour of Lincoln Park.

I had another guide to help with the walking tour part and that was fine, mostly, until I got in trouble for not going into the church I talked about. Whoops. Never even occurred to me honestly. That's what I get for being raised by a religiously lazy mother and an atheist father. Heh.

And lunch was nice and everyone was nice and the bus tour turned out *okay* even if the bus couldn't get down the main street I wanted to go down (guh), I know, this is how I learn things. I get that. And not ALL tours are going to be fabulous or even easy, and this really was one of the first bus tours I've ever done, at least planned by myself, so I guess there was a lot of room for mistakes.

I get all that.

It just feels kind of poopy, mostly because I want everyone to be happy with my services! And they were, don't get me wrong, we had a good time - but I wanted it to be better.

ANYWAY, outdoor tours end on Halloween. I've loved this summer, working my ass off, walking all the time, worrying and laughing about tours, but I'm looking forward to the quiet times. I have a shit ton of work to do, many many things to work on and I'm looking forward to hanging, working, writing - all that stuff.

Oh, and I didn't mean that about wanting drama. Guh. No drama. Kaythanks.

Same as it ever was

2011-09-06T17:05:00.000-07:00

Hello lil blog. Almost another week again.

I'm telling you guys, I'm just really boring right now. I talk about my business a lot, I think about it all the time, I have private tours I need to learn for "one off" tours that are really great but it's a lot of work to write one tour for a one-time thing, but then see, I have all these tours I already know so if someone needs ANOTHER Lincoln Park bus tour, well I have all the information for that already because I'm working my butt off trying to write one now.

Busy, happy but busy.

Tour season is winding down, I keep going till October 31st, but after that it's just the pedway tour ahead.

I have a lot to do though, because hopefully that thing I did before that was a cool thing that I couldn't talk about before will be coming out in November and I really have a lot of work to do on my website before that thing comes out and before I need to do that work on the website I have a million other things to do like write this one-off tour for Andersonville, that I'll only do the one time, but if I ever need ANOTHER walking tour of Andersonville then I'll have this one right handy in my back pocket.

And that Devil in the White City bus tour? don't even talk to me about that, because I haven't even started thinking about it because it makes my stomach hurt.

I'm sorry, I really need some drama so I have something else to talk about.

Okay okay!

2011-08-31T09:55:00.000-07:00

We did it.

We went to Vegas and had the best time ever.

Sure, I understand some people may not enjoy downtown and Fremont St - sure, they want to go to the strip, I love the strip, I get that.

But I'm really glad we got to check out Fremont, it's HILARIOUS and awesome and cheap and trashy and excellent. We both really enjoyed it and on the day we finally went to the strip, every single one of my consumerist horrible ideals came out and I just wanted to be RICH. Once we got back to Fremont, they all kind of went away, hell, on Fremont, we ARE rich.

We played a lot of blackjack, both on the machines and at our $1 shot, $1 beer dive casino we found. I've never played anything at a table, so this was a big deal. I loved it, so fun and since you're not betting against the other players, only the dealer, we ended up making lots of friends, like "First Base" and "Larry Davis"

It was just the right amount of time to be there, we were both ready to go home, but now both of us are ready to go back.

I just can't put into words what it is about Vegas. I know people hate it for the very things I love it for.

I want to learn more about it, about it's history, about downtown and the strip.

I would NEVER want to live there, ever, but shit, I could give one hell of a Vegas tour. My god.

Anyway, it's back to work. My head is spinning. I have a lot to do, I got a talking to by my friend and mentor and freaking life coach, Dan Izzo. And I have a lot to think about and do in terms of my business.

Plus, I want to stay at the Wynn the next time I go back to Vegas and that don't come cheap friends, I gots some money to make.

Hi!

Good

2011-08-24T09:16:00.000-07:00

Well, I haven't been wanting to exactly say it out loud in case of jinxing it, but dang, business has been going really well lately.

It is such a freaking relief, I can't even tell you.

Finally, finally I'm starting to see that I am making an impact, that people are finding me that want to find me and that they're happy and excited and it's all just really great and nice. I'm starting to make money, starting to reach more people. From tours that had no one on them (I still have these, definitely) I'm starting to get 4, 6 and more now more and more often, 10 or 15. That is really something.

I love how it's happening towards the end of tour season. Figures.

NOT COMPLAINING.

John and I need to have a huge state of the union, things are changing with him and his life and they should and they will, but I gotta figure out what I'm doing this winter, what the priorities are and how to make next summer profitable as hell.

It's just fun. It's way more busy, I have time for little, I'm totally in my head, I'm all wrapped up in my world and my business and am probably selfish as hell right now, but that's fine.

Vegas. Friday.

Been busy!

2011-08-19T09:15:00.000-07:00

Wow. A week. Poor lil blog.

Hi everyone! It's just been....busy. Good busy.

I started the Disaster! Tour yesterday. It's going to be a really good tour, much better than some standard Loop Tour, I'm excited about it.

Vegas next Friday.

A good friend is coming into town next week and I have private tours and meetings and it's all fun but it's BUSY.

So anyway,

Expedition Impossible is now awesome. I didn't like it at first now I do.

I can't stop watching Toddlers and Tiaras.

I'm going to see the Conan movie and I didn't even know there was one.

Everyone is getting ready to go to Burningman, I'm not sad we're not going, but I feel nostalgic for how innocent we were last year.

See? that's really about it.

But I'm good. Real good.

VEGAS!

2011-08-12T09:42:00.000-07:00

We're all set, Harp and I leave for Vegas two weeks from today.

I'm real excited.

I have dreams about Vegas, I really do. I don't know why, I don't know what it is, past life maybe.

We're staying on Fremont Street in Old Vegas, which I've never done, so that should be fun.

I cannot stress the selflessness my husband exhibited during all of this, letting us use his miles and our money to do this. He's the best.

Tours are going well - ish. I'm starting to get more requests for like...bus tours and stuff. That scares me. I'm a walker. Not a busser.

I have a lot of work to do, my disaster tour starts next week and I'm um...a little behind. But I can do it, just need to put my head down.

This running your own business thing is hard, things keep getting in the way of my priorities, but that's alright, I just can't get done everything that I want when I want.

I met four guys from Canada yesterday on my pedway tour, they were my only 4 so we just ended up walking all around. They were so awesome and interested and they LOVE Chicago, I'm taking them around Old Town today just for fun.

Stay focused, take the next step, prioritize and also....

GO TO VEGAS!

Did it!

2011-08-10T12:19:00.000-07:00

I turned 41. I totally did it. I'm very proud of myself. Very impressive.

My birthday was really nice, generally pretty quiet, lots of time with John and my family and friends. Just a quiet lil celebration.

I'm really excited for 41. Looks like the first thing it may start with is a last minute trip to Vegas with my friend Sabrina. John and I discussed some things and there's so much going on around here that there are no real trips planned for awhile, so John said I could use his miles and go to Vegas for a few days! Best husband EVER. So it looks like we're leaving the 26th and coming home the 29th. FUN!

Tours are going well, I'm starting to get some double bookings for private tours, it's so weird. Do I hire someone? Do I tell someone no? What do I do? I don't know, I'll get there.

But it's good.

Things are good.

Working my ass off.

My Friends and My Husband

2011-08-07T09:16:00.000-07:00

Whew! Big rainstorm there, now the sun is shining and it's beautiful outside, great life metaphor, eh? EH?

It's almost my 41st birthday. Tuesday I will be 41.

41 means nothing, 41 is pish tosh. Doesn't make me nervous or anything.

I'm excited.

40 may have been one of the greatest years of my life. 40 was Burningman, India, massive steps forward with Chicago Elevated, I lost almost 20 pounds and am stronger than ever.

41 is going to rock out with it's respective cock out. (Sorry)

We have no real travel plans (although, there might be a little surprise in the works), we're busy working on things and saving/making money, but that doesn't mean that a trip to Vietnam might not come out sometime before my 42nd year.

I'm working on my creative juggernaut - to be released sometime next spring.

Tours get better and better.

My husband and my close friends are amazing. I swear in this life, I never have any idea what's right around the corner, what is going to present itself to me and whether it be good or bad, at least I have amazing people around.

What is it going to bring? 41? If 40 was so effing awesome, JUST IMAGINE what 41 is going to bring?

I can tell this now...

2011-08-04T13:22:00.000-07:00

About a year and a half ago, Sabrina and I were *this close* to getting on a reality show at that time called "Catch Me."

We had gotten through rounds and rounds, they had binders with our name and pictures on them, they loved us. We are funny you know, and an interesting couple, not that many straight/gay friend pairings out there.

Anyway, one of the producers called us and said they were looking for a different couple (male/female) but they loved us so much, that she wasn't even calling other people personally, just us...

So recently I've seen the ads for "Take the Money and Run" the same show. I thought I might not want to watch it, it looked neat and I didn't want to be jealous, as we know I can be.

I watched it.

And I am so freaking thankful we didn't make it. We would have HATED it.

The scenario is that the contestants (two brothers in the first San Francisco one) have an hour to hide 100K. They can hide it anywhere. There will be two beat cops and two investigators that have access to the GPS and phone log of the contestants.

After the hour is over, the cops ARREST YOU, and put you in solitary confinement for 48 hours, while they try and figure out where you hid it. A lot of this is done by interrogation. Which looked really awful.

The San Fran contestants hid the briefcase in a park and if the cops hadn't made one of the brothers CRY, they might have been able to win. But the interrogation was so severe and mean, the one brother broke down and told them right where it was.

Poor Sabrina, I can't even imagine her being interrogated by cops. Just horrible.

I thought it was going to be running around the city trying to hide the whole time, but no, you get an hour to play and then you're stuck in jail while the cops get to have all the fun.

Phew, thank goodness that wasn't us. Seriously.

But as Sabrina put it, "doesn't matter, we want the Race anyway."

Good point Sabrina, good point.

GUH!

2011-08-03T11:28:00.000-07:00

On this day of very slow internet, a fairly slow week/weekend of tours and a massive amount of mundane stuff I need to think about, my mind quickly goes to:

selling everything we own and getting the hell out of dodge.

Guh.

It all just seems so silly and pointless sometimes, by the time we get to a point we want to be at, we'll be old and broken.

I know it's kind of morbid, but these are some of the last carefree years of our life. Eventually, soon enough, something will come up that will make it impossible for us to go anywhere we choose, do anything we want.

I can't help but feel I'm wasting some of the best years ever.

Why are we not across the world helping people? Or making something? Or seeing something that will rock our worlds? WHY OH WHY ARE WE HERE trapped, working so hard for something we can't even name?

I swear, on my bad days (if this is a bad day, that's pretty good actually, cause it's more a huge restlessness than it is a bad day) I know in my heart that begging people to come on tours and watching The Bachelorette is really not the best way to spend my time.

Grrrr.

Trapped.

Drama

2011-08-02T12:03:00.000-07:00

There has been a nest under the eave of our house for a very long time, as long as I can remember really. But nothing much has gone on there. Until now.

Maybe a week or so ago we noticed babies! Baby birds! 3 of them. We see them every time we leave the house or come in, so we've been keeping a very close watch on them.

I'm from the suburbs you know, I've never really seen anything that tiny in my life. To watch this heartbeat of life from my doorway has been amazing. The mom sitting on the eggs, the storms, the thunder and lightening, I've just been very concerned.

All was well until yesterday morning when John came to tell me that one of the lil birds had fallen out of the nest. I went out to see him in my bathrobe and the poor little thing is just sitting on the porch, all vulnerable. My handsome husband picked him up in a paper towel (I dunno, don't the mother's sense if something has tainted the baby?) and grabbed the chair and stuck him way high up back in the nest.

All day yesterday I kept checking back, I didn't see the mom and I was all worried. John assured me she would be back by nightfall and she was just getting food. By 6PM momma was back and all was okay with the world.

Then again this morning, the chick is on the porch again. John puts him up again, lil guy looks almost ready to be on his own, definitely bigger than the other two still in the nest. When I went out for my run this morning (HOT) he was on the porch again and I knew this time, there was no saving this lil guy.

I asked John what to do, he said maybe put him in a box. When I went back out there, lil guy was gone.

I asked John again what to do (thank god for men sometimes) and John said this:

Maybe he flew away. He did seem big enough. There needs to be a day
when the babies turn into little birds...

I love him for that.

It's just so strange, to really watch this from start to finish, their tiny little bird mouths open all the time for food, their eyes barely open, the image of this poor vulnerable bird on the porch.

It's all so heart-breaking and at the same time inspiring.

Life is so hard.

More library

2011-07-30T12:53:00.000-07:00

Seriously, I'm so glad I started working here rather than the Cultural Center, the wi-fi is much faster and more consistent, it's SILENT and every book I could ever want is sitting right next to me, somewhere...

I finally got my book returned, my 10$ late fee charged and I am now able to use the library again! I'm such an adult.

So, I had a concierge call! HA! bingo. She sent two people, forwent (forgoed?) the booking deposit altogether and I took two people out on a tour. They had a great time! Today when I went to make sure she had everything she needed, I brought her some cookies and a card. This I don't mind, she did it without the kickback, I thank her, that's how I roll.

But she told me they'd be using me a lot more, that the customers said I was awesome and she seemed honestly pleased about the cookies.

So there you go.

The ones that contact me after that whole email thing, those are the ones I want to work with. I actually had one other call too...so, yay!

Clear eyes, full hearts.

I miss Tim Riggins.

Balance DAMMIT

2011-07-29T10:21:00.000-07:00

There are two things I must stop doing immediately:

Sugar. I eat a lot of it. I don't know what my problem is, but I love sugar. I need to cut down a bit, seriously.

My iphone. Suddenly I'm not reading books anymore. How did this happen? Cause I'm playing something or checking something or just staring at a blank screen on my iphone. No more. I need to read books. I have a lot of learning to do in the next couple of months. That's why I need to pay the library 10$ for a lost book so I can get my damn library card back. I'm working on it.

Less sugar, more books.

Happy Friday.

+

2011-07-27T11:58:00.000-07:00

Is anyone using google+? I can't really figure it out, it's all new and newfangled and I just keep seeing everything that I saw on FB. Huh.

Things are good, we've had the in-laws, we've had the niece and nephew, it's been really lovely to have all this family in town, our fridge is full and John's mom (such a peanut) managed to send new SIZE SIX pants, so I even have clothes that fit me!

Now, y'all, now it's just a matter of getting shit done.

There's so much to do, my friend Sabrina is finished with her crazy project at Second City, (ahem, ASSISTANT DIRECTOR THANK YOU VERY MUCH!) and it's time for she and I to start on my creative endeavor.

I also need to strengthen my other senses in regards to my business, learn more about SEO, start getting out there for networking events, etc...now that I'm letting the concierge go, I need to spend that time and worry playing with something else.

My business needs to become fun for me again and more importantly, marketing needs to be fun for me again...what I think this means is more personal interaction and more time figuring out what marketing works for me.

Also John and I are working hard on our home life. Now that I'm starting to make tour season money, we've been awesome about paying off our debt and starting to be able to save a little money...

And it's time to start thinking about our next trip. Because the only reason I'm doing what I'm doing is so that I can travel the world. That's it.

So much floating in my brain, so much running around to do, so less tv I need to watch.

Speaking of, why am I watching The Bachelorette when I haven't watched in years? I have no idea. My god what junk.

Yet...

Still....

Guh.

Man, the library is so quiet

2011-07-23T11:50:00.000-07:00

Hi!

I'm sitting in the library today, usually I'll go to the Cultural Center in between tours to get the big work done, but it's so spotty, thought I'd come to that Post-modern, freak out of a building - The Harold Washington Library.

it's so quiet here you guys.

Maybe it's so quiet here because we've been babysitting John's niece and nephew, Lauren - age 6 and Turner - age 3.

They are great kids, truly. Hardly any instantaneous crying or temper tantrums (at least that we've seen) and they're happy and chatty, they get along pretty well with each other, Lauren is a great help in taking care of her brother. They're loving and interested and creative and excited to do just about anything.

But my. god.

I honestly don't know how people do it. I know, I know, it's different when it's your own kids, but still. I was exhausted by 11AM and nothing had really happened yet!

................................................................

I'm scared and excited by my rebellious concierge abandonment. Part of me feels really scared to let it go, part of me wants to give them one final send off so they don't think I'm scared or something and then I realize to Just Let It Go. I don't have anything to prove to anyone, so...everytime I get scared I'm cutting off my nose to spite my face, I realize I never really had the nose to begin with. See how much sense I make?

My slowest tour this season has been the Dealer's Choice Architectural Loop Tour. It's really my standard tour of the Loop, we all have one, but it's just not doing that well, not compared to my other tours.

Honestly? It was there for the concierges. I wanted something they could send everyday tourists to. Heh. They're not sending anyone and everyone else is looking for something different.

SO! I'm ditching that tour, the concierges are the only ones that have anything about it anyway, and starting a new tour that will be coming out in a few weeks.

The Disaster Tour.

YES!

So it'll be the Eastland, The Fire, The Iroquois Theater Fire, when the El went off the tracks, Dave Matthews pooping on the Architecture Foundation....

What do you think?

I love it. I love it I love it I love it. I checked, I can't find anyone else doing it and I can do it fairly quickly and I think it's going to be a crazy tour to give.

...........................................................................................................

I got this.

Whoops

2011-07-21T11:53:00.001-07:00

So, I did it. I went a step too far and I gotta tell you folks, it feels real good.

During my two years of giving tours, I have received a grand total of 2 calls from concierge. 2.

TWO.

I have taken them on private tours, I have visited them, had special marketing materials for them, I've sent weekly emails...it takes a lot of time to sweet talk the concierge and I have done that.

It's always been a source of trouble for me, I get upset. When they see me they hug me and tell mw how great I am and then they don't call. Ever.

I've been told by a few different people that it's most likely that I'm not giving them enough money.

Mkay.

Other guides raise their ticket price and give the concierge upwards of $10 for every ticket they book.

My business was started with very important ideals, one of them being a very reasonable ticket price. Not only do I want to raise the ticket price so the concierge can have more money, it infuriates me that this is the way business is done and it's always made me feel frustrated, aggravated and angry.

That may have come up in a frustrated email I sent to the concierge. I mentioned my low kickbacks and apparently I'm not supposed to do that. Talk about that. I wonder why???

I had a concierge call me yesterday, one of those who purports to love me, and she mentioned that I really shouldn't do that, I should let the concierge come to me. She kept telling me I have value, I don't know what that means - I'm fully aware of my "value." Stop talking about the kickbacks, she said.

Heh.

I told her this phone call was one of the first calls I've ever gotten from a concierge, because she was angry with me.

And as I hung up the phone I realized it. I'm done with it. It's the thing that takes the most time and has the least amount of payoff. It makes me feel dirty, I hate kissing butt, especially in my own business. I've always been uncomfortable with this whole thing and now I know, it's because it feels wrong in my heart and I don't want to be a part of it anymore.

So I'm finished. It feels good.

After I had this conversation with this lady I gave a packed Second City tour and when I was finished I had 3 reservations from 3 different people, all who found me on their own.

I am free to market the way I want to now, free to give my money to marketers who deserve it, who actually made the money I'm giving to them, not just made a quick phone call.

As John says, I'm not losing anything, they weren't calling me in the first place!

It's been a really long road, this particular one. I'm thankful to have lost this stress.

The other peeps can give their money to them, for now, I'm keeping mine.

WHEW!

Hi!

2011-07-18T14:20:00.000-07:00

Hi!

Hi!

Just took a group of elderly folk through the pedway, one guy made a big show of putting something in my backpack. I figured it was a tip. Nope. Dirty napkin.

John's parents were in town this weekend. They're great. She always brings me clothes. Cute clothes. I could wear none of the new clothes. I have officially graduated to a size 6. I haven't been a size 6 since...well, I think I came out of the womb as a 10. So that's kind of fun.

It's so hot. Not complaining. but it's hot. My job is outside. In the hot. Not complaining.

Had a meeting at the MAYORS OFFICE today. Yes I did. Neat things are happening. We talked about the pedway. They have information they want to convey, apparently I'm the one to convey it. NOT COMPLAINING! So freaking cool to have an appt at the mayors office. I highly recommend getting one.

Sometimes I get tired of being in charge of my life. Sometimes I want someone else to do it.

I need to put the Bachelorette into my DVR.

Friday Night Lights is one of the best shows ever to be on tv. Kyle Chandler rules and deserves an emmy. I miss it so much. Riggins.

Sometimes (meaning all the time) I can think of nothing else I want to eat besides sandwiches.

And ice cream.

Alright Alright

2011-07-14T18:30:00.000-07:00

So yeah. Good day. I'm still not really supposed to say, but let's just say that in November you might see something about the pedway tour on a travel show that is not Bourdain's. Or someone else's you probably know. But it's national. That I can say and it'll be great exposure and it was a lot of fun and I'm excited and pleased! YAY!

Also got some other pokers in a hot fire that again, just not right now, can I discuss them, but things are good in the land of Chicago Elevated. That pleases me. It's nice to know I'm getting out there.

And again, BORING, I know, but it's all about balance. I have my big mistakes and I have my successes and it all just...it all just doesn't matter, or one doesn't matter more than the other and really neither should.

I'm just burnt, it's been a long week. Happy, but burnt.

So yeah.

Blah.

Hi!

Oooh, Breaking Bad is on on Sunday.

Anyone watching Expedition Whatever almost the Amazing Race but not really?

We just started watching Louis. So glad. he's freaking hilarious. And sad, I like him.

I saw XMen whatever the last one is and really enjoyed it.

Oh and hey, I know Insidious is out, with Rose Byrne. I remember really enjoying that too. Recommend, I remember parts were silly, but some parts were great. Non-stop.

I want to read Great Expectations again. That's my favorite book. Book that had the most impact on the way I think about myself and the world? The Fountainhead. True story.

Time for steak sandwiches.

BYE!

Hi!

2011-07-12T07:01:00.000-07:00

Things are really heating up here in the Hixx/Eiberger household. It's all good, but my head is going to explode...but still, it's good.

Tours are picking up people! Getting phone calls and emails and group tours and reservations and of course, my very special guest on Thursday for the pedway tour! I will find out on Thursday just how much I can say about my very special guest, so it's not just me being mysterious, I just really don't want to get sued.

This week in particular is especially crazy, a couple of private tours and John's parents come this weekend and I haven't looked at my computer or email really in days, I've been running from one thing to the next with a billion things floating through my head. I spend my days walking in the heat, either giving tours, walking to another tour, learning a tour, walking to learn a tour - it's all great but I'm just wiped by the end of the day. As I should be.

I'm enjoying it, I really am, but (hint to John if you're reading this love) I still really need to get out of dodge for a day. just one day. One tiny lil day.

John has also been a trooper these past few weeks, dealing with not one, but TWO root canals in the past 2 weeks, one particularly nasty one. Good riddance.

So we're good, just working and playing and ....

HI!

Bokay!

2011-07-07T14:12:00.000-07:00

WHEW.

What a whirlwind life is sometimes. I can't keep up.

I never want my life to be static, but seriously, does it need to be SO up and down? Balance. Balance. Balance.

My crappy mistake still haunts my brain. But then good things happened and it just reminds me to take the good and take the bad (whatever Tootie).

But really, I have to give the good stuff as much attention as the bad stuff and vice versa and really, I should give neither one of them much mind. That is the trick, to just keep going. I've had so much advice lately consisting of: the successful people are the ones who make mistakes and get right back steamrolling. I need to remember that.

I also have been having big issues with comparing myself lately, what's that about? Hell, shit, I'm almost 41 fucking years old, god it feels good to swear, and I'm comparing myself to people that aren't anything like me? WHAT IS THAT?

Do you guys do that? How do you stop doing that? Stupid.

Anyway, the 4th was a really lovely holiday, friends and tours and the beach and

God Im so boring.

You guys are the best, just trust me.

Better

2011-07-01T11:03:00.000-07:00

Thank you guys for your kind words and emails - it's nice to know that you're all out there thinking nice things about me (you are right? RIGHT?)

I'm better today.

You ever get the feeling that you're just going to bust open and just fucking show the world who you are?

No more self-conscious, self-hatred, self-bullshit?

Ever feel like that?

Feels great, until you figure out you're really not sure how you're going to go about busting it open....

I wish I knew Abbie Hoffman.

Happy 4th everyone!

Bah

2011-06-30T11:59:00.000-07:00

Sorry lil blog. I've been away for awhile.

Sometimes I feel like this blog is someone I have to answer to (it's my own thing really) and I just haven't wanted to come over here and write lately.

I've had a bit of a knockdown, it's no biggy I guess, I don't really want to talk about it, maybe someday, but it was enough of a knockdown to knock me down. I made a mistake and it will (and has) bite me in the ass in the upcoming days.

I hate failing.

I know I have to, hell, I was on a pretty good roll. Sure, it's not like people are beating down my doors to go on tours, but they're getting much better, it's been awhile since I had a knockdown. I guess it's my time.

Everyone says if you don't have big failures, you'll never have big successes. If you're not failing, you're not trying, blah blah BLAH.

I want to hide under a rock in Thailand and never come back out.

I'll probably tell you all eventually, but for now, just trust me. Guh.

So I know it's not that I failed, it's how I failed that matters. I'm really working on being a grown up, an adult, to handle this well, to know that this happens to every single person on earth and to remember that it's all part of the process of being a stupid human being.

I also need to get out of town.

My whole life, everything I do, everything creative, logistical and everything in between takes place within 5 miles of everything else. My life is this city. I love this, don't get me wrong. But something I know about myself is to remember the big bad world out there. It's important that I see that there is so much outside of this city, whether that's traveling to India or traveling to Indiana - my life is bigger than what happens here.

So! Hopefully my husband and I will be taking a day trip to somewhere pretty, where they don't care about Rahm or unions or taste of Chicago. Somewhere pretty, with water and sand and tiny cafes where you sit outside and look at old people who have this whole thing figured out.

That's what I need.

But don't worry about the Hixx y'all, that's not what this is for.

The 4th of July is my favorite holiday, I don't plan on being a pisser for it. I just needed to say hi to you all and let you know that if you're failing too, I'm right behind you! And if you're not, thank your stars and enjoy it!

I want to go to Chick-Fil-A.

Sometimes life sends you what you need

2011-06-23T12:44:00.000-07:00

I've gotten all up in my head this week, for a few weeks actually. I think it's just "new tour" anxieties. I don't have enough people, I need to do this I need to do that, I'm confused, etc.

But a few days ago I decided to get back into my awesome, follow the ways of Chris Guillebeau, get back into the swing of things. My purpose always was to have these tours come from an honest and passionate place. Once I start worrying about other people or numbers or any of that bullshit, I lose my way.

Once I stop, think, meditate for a moment, remember why I'm doing this and what the goals are, I always feel better.

Anyway, since I started doing that of course, you see the beauty in the real things all the more.

I had a tour this morning for two people. Two separate people, they weren't together. I felt awful about it at first (how do I get more than TWO people, GAH!) but when I met them, they're awesome. We had a REALLY nice time on the tour and one of the guys is coming on the Printer's Row tour, he's the only one for this afternoon. However, I'm really looking forward to it. He's really open and kind and fun and loves Chicago. So what the hell right?

Then I met a new friend for lunch and we just talked and talked and talked and she's thinking of changing her life in a major way and to hear that she wanted to meet with me because she sees what I'm doing, well, that's so great. So nice. She's so brave and so awesome and so open and it just reminds me of why I'm doing this too.

And once again, I have to remember that this business is a million times ahead of where it was.

Be happy, be pleased, be grateful, be honest, be hilarious, be myself.

Why do I have to learn this lesson over and over and over again?

Because I have to learn it till I've gotten it.

I get it.

Monday!

2011-06-20T13:07:00.001-07:00

Tonight, finally, after weeks and weeks, I get to hang out with my best friend Sabrina.

She's been so busy doing her good work at Second City, I haven't really gotten to talk to her in weeks. I'm real excited.

Things are good here, I feel like I should be posting here more, but I'm boring even myself and I have to say the word "tours" one more time I'm going to flip a lid. Not that I'm tired of them, but I'm tired of talking about them, "tours" and "the book."

Guh.

In a good way people, in a good way.

I went through a small crisis last week, sure that I didn't know what else to do and that it was all just going to fall apart, and then I had one of those nights when I like in bed and think, "wait, I know exactly what to do."

Maybe I just don't wanna!

One thing I have to keep doing is communicating with the concierge. This is not easy. There's so many hotels, so many concierge and they all have their favorites and it's tough breaking in. But they can't book a tour if they don't have the info, so I've been going to each hotel and giving them their awesome info sheet my husband made. Sometimes it's fine and they seem interested and excited and sometimes I feel like a tiny little worm ruining their day.

But so be it.

It's great for honing my elevator speech, cause you only get a few minutes of their time, so you better be right on.

So I'm re-motivated.

Don't mess with me folks. For serious.

Whatup

2011-06-16T12:27:00.001-07:00

How does this happen? One day it's Sunday and I'm happily typing away and the next day it's Thursday and I'm looking at blog saying, what the eff? Wasn't it just Sunday?

Man, the one thing about running your own business is you just never know what's up. You never know when money is coming and when it isn't. I look at my calendar and freak out and then get 5 phone calls in a row and everything is okay again.

One thing I think people forget sometimes and I realize this is first world problems and all that, so bear with me, but one thing I've been wrestling with lately is really, how hard it is to put myself out there on a constant basis.

In my past jobs, I never had to put myself out there. I would slink in and hide at my desk and do my best to not be out there, but writing books and giving tours and waiting for reviews and media and ...

It's hard. Sure, I'm awesome, but it's a constant stream of people not showing up, of the phone not ringing, of waiting for someone else, of being terrified sometimes that I'm just not awesome enough.

This may sound like whining, hell, even writing this is weird. But I want you all to love the people in your life that are creating something for themselves. It may seem easy, or better, or like they have greener grass, but the truth is, this is hard - and there's no one to rely on but yourself and no one to blame but yourself (and no one to pat on the back but yourself) but if you know someone that created and is running their own business, give them a hug, tell them they're awesome, tell them they're doing great and they're brave and strong and true, because chances are they only have themselves telling them that and they're living off that.

That's all really.

THURSDAY!

Sunday

2011-06-12T08:30:00.000-07:00

I have a riverwalk tour and a Second City tour on Sundays. Therefore I am up earlier than most and ride my bike downtown to get here by 10 (whether there is a tour or NOT), so here I sit at the Starbucks, after a sweet sweet ride down here. It's beautiful out today, god I love my bike.

I however, am not in love with this wheat english muffin egg and turkey bacon sammy from Starbucks. Guh.

John and I had a mini state of the union of sorts yesterday and as we talked we both realized that we're still absolutely manifesting unsavory emotions from our year and a half of unemployment.

I think we're both still terrified.

I wonder will that ever go away?

No matter what happens tomorrow, that year, the way that it happened, will never happen again. Things are already different...

Yet, both of us I think are paralyzed by fear.

And it's not about going out or spending money or any of those things, we've definitely bounced back in that regard! But, it's something psychological, it's something that's telling us both that we should still be fearful and scared, something that's prohibiting us both from letting go completely.

It's really weird.

But it's still there, we're still stuck in some kind of mindset.

It's all fear I suppose. Everything is.

Which reminds me, I read Stroke of Insight FINALLY, the book about Jill Bolte Taylor, the brain scientist who experienced herself having a stroke at 37 years old.

It is an amazing book. I'm not sure she's the greatest writer in the world, but the chance to read a book about a woman who STUDIED THE FREAKING BRAIN and then watched herself have a stroke (her first thought? "This is so COOL!"

She has such control over her brain now, she's completely recovered, but to read this book is to realize how much control we do actually have over our thoughts, negative and otherwise. She basically says you can train your brain (like she had to do to recover) to think what thoughts you want to. And if you reside in the left brain and let those neurons and cells continue to make the same loops over and over (negative thoughts) you're just strengthening those pathways.

And that the brain is totally capable of making new pathways.

Anyway, I recommend it, if you're not interested in reading it, here's her TED talk, to hear her tell about the morning of her stroke is about as intense as it gets:

A Secret Huge Sigh of Relief

2011-06-09T11:26:00.000-07:00

Alright, let's just admit it.

I needed this. It's a review for my book from the Chicago Reader.

Now, I've been learning to not let reviews get the better of me. I've been fortunate to have some really nice reviews of my work on tours. Those are really nice, but here's the thing: I know I'm good at giving tours. That's why I like it. It's something that doesn't confuse me or astound me or make me feel badly ever. Tours are things I know I can do well, so they're enjoyable for me.

Writing.

Whole different scenario. Sure, I've done my Nanowrimo (FOUR times) but before this book I'd never really written anything, always thought maybe I could, but I wasn't sure.

Even during the writing of this book, I enjoyed it, I figured it was okay...but I wasn't sure.

And my friends and you lovely people have read the book and I figured you weren't lying when you said you enjoyed it, but you love me, you wouldn't want to hurt me, so if you didn't like it you would never say so.

This was my first objective review. I don't the fellow who wrote it and I had no idea they were even reviewing it. It was a total shock yesterday when I saw it.

And I was so SO pleased.

And I was so pleased because yes, I had my ego stroked, he liked the book.

But what it means is, I'm not way off base here.

Someone I don't know liked my book.

You know what that means?

I'm on the right track. I can write more.

I want to write more.

I wasn't waiting for permission necessarily, I don't do that anymore, but I was waiting to make sure I wasn't one of those people on Idol who loves to sing, is passionate about it and believes so completely that they're going to get on, and then, they're awful.

I was almost sure I wasn't one of those people, but they're sure they're not one of those people so...

At least, at the very least, now I know I'm not one. I made it to the next round.

Harder than saying I'm an actor, a performer, an entrepreneur, the hardest of all of this is saying:

I am a writer.

Day Off

2011-06-07T13:18:00.001-07:00

Tuesdays are my day off, or, the only days I don't have a tour scheduled. Now, we know that I don't have tours every day, because, well, you need people for tours and we know that they're not flying off the shelves, my tours, but...

Tuesdays are the only day where I don't have to worry about them, or the rain, or whatever. And I've been getting in the habit of going downtown whether I have a tour or not, just to keep myself moving and working (and in case someone calls last minute right? Right), so Tuesdays are still my days where I don't have to run anywhere, or worry about getting the dog, or any of that nonsense.

Of course, what do we self-employed people do on our day off? WE WORK! The internets been down at home so I've been keeping above water with the iphone, but I've been saving so much work for when I can get to my computer. Internet won't be back till Saturday. ergh.

Anyway, I woke up excited to take my computer out to work.

I'm working on a big ole creative project for next year. Probably the biggest undertaking ever, even more than the book - and I was going to come here and work only on that today, and then my job takes over, emails, listings, questions, twitter (always) and honestly, it's been great to sit here and catch up and work and it makes me happy that even on my "day off" I just want to keep working.

it's nice.

Alright, procrastinating. Creativity? Flowbabyflow.

Grace

2011-06-05T09:01:00.000-07:00

Lest we forget how everything in one's life can change on a dime....I shall tell you the story of me falling down. Yay!

I was in the Cultural Center working, all involved, and I went to stand up and my foot had fallen asleep. I stood up then crumpled to the ground in a puddle. It was embarassing! And I was really shocked, last thing I expected eh?

Then I managed to stand up and sit back down and my ankle had turned. It hurt like a bitch, so I sat there for a minute, realized I was okay and started walking.

I was fine really, my ankle felt weird but it didnt' hurt that much. It swelled up like a balloon, like a golf ball on the side of my ankle, but essentially, it's totally okay. Don't even feel it today.

But it scared me! Like these things can do. One trip, one mistake and I break my ankle and no TOURS EVER FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! I realize it's not this dramatic, but still.

I also, in some ways, enjoy the forced quietude of hurting oneself not too seriously. I went to dinner with Pretty Erica that same night and I walked there, but I walked slowly, mindfully (I didn't want to trip again) and didn't rush myself, I left plenty of time to walk there, it's just about thinking ahead. I'm always rushing from one to the next these days, a forced quiet time was kind of nice.

Anyway, I truly believe that's what grace is. It's not an innate thing that one has or does not have, all grace is, is taking the extra few minutes to be mindful, and purposeful, and graceful.

Things are good though, I'm not going to lie, my tours are not full every day (some days I don't even have one...some days...um...more than some days) but that's alright, as long as I keep moving forward....

Sigh.

At least it's nice outside. No complaints. Back on the bike.

For the love of god people, would you get a bike and get on it? I realize not everyone has my sensibilities, but GET A BIKE. It's like heaven. Sure, it can be scary too, but the BIKE, THE BIKE is the greatest invention of all time.

Get on your bike, feel the breeze, be mindful, be graceful, take the time to be purposeful, once the mind strays...anything could happen....like crumpling to the ground in the Cultural Center.

In and Out!

2011-06-01T11:41:00.000-07:00

I think I covered my Memorial Day weekend quite expertly over at Chicago Elevated, but suffice it to say it rained on every single tour I had, no one showed up to my book signing, and it was the greatest weekend ever.

So, phew, I'm really glad the "firsts" are out of the way. Love it.

Now it's time to settle into working this summer, it's weird of course. My new Wednesdays are a tour in the morning and one in the afternoon, on a day like today, that's pretty alright in my book.

It's weird giving tours, I'm out most of the day, this treasured blogging time, or work time or any of those times are just not that available to me anymore, I'm out, I'm walking, I'm on my bike, I'm giving tours, I'm just not at my computer.

In a way this is causing me great alarm. I have much to do and it very often takes place at my computer.

But the tours are the thing, so I can't forget that actually GIVING them is what's going to push this baby along.

Thank goodness for the iphone eh?

So I have not much to say, learning to settle into the new schedule (one day off a week if tours are booked, IF tours are booked) and trying to figure out how to take care of all the things I used to take care of, now with a busier schedule. (Said like Shedule please)

Quiet and a little intense right now, but good.

Sunshine could save the world.

What am I doing?

2011-05-26T19:03:00.000-07:00

It's 9:07PM and I'm sitting in a McDonalds where I've been sitting for the past hour and a half.

Weird.

I'm going on Nick D on WGN Radio tonight at 12:30, they told me I could do it over the phone but:

A. That's no fun, I like going into the studio and having Nick D see me in all my glory.
B. There's no way I would stay awake and normal til 12:30AM otherwise.

So I'm sitting here working, did a few hours on the Printer's Row tour, walking in the cold and wind, writing down random thoughts and images, I must look so strange to the casual observer.

I had an interview today and a tour this morning.

My life is changing.

Interviews and later nights and weird tours and random phone calls from funny and strange people...

This ain't no 9-5. I'll tell you what.

Only 3.5 more hours to waste.

Smooches,

Hixx

It's time

2011-05-25T12:33:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm sorry I haven't posted much but I have little to tell. I'm working hard on the tours debuting this weekend! WHEEEE! This whole weekend is free and still, it's almost impossible to get people to go. I dunno. I have some reservations, but COME ON. Grrrr. Anyway....no complaints, now I've almost doubled my income for all of last year, so...eff it, bring it on.

I've been thinking about Burningman a lot. I know I haven't mentioned it much, but I think about it all the time, almost daily. I finally got to Sabrina and we got to talking about it, we're thinking about going back in 2012. Sure, we had a hard time and hated parts of it, but the lessons of it just keep presenting themselves. Sabrina and I even came up with an AWESOME show idea utilizing our BM lessons. Of course, that show can't go up for another thousand years because we both have too much to do, but I'll make sure to let you know about it.

We have to remember to see each other, when I took that man out with his wheelchair, people were so rude, so freaking rude. Take 10 seconds, literally 10 seconds, out of your day to move out of the way for someone, hold the door for them or, what I've been working on, take the 10 seconds you would have spent silently swearing at the old lady on the escalator and use that 10 seconds to be grateful for her, for your healthy legs and know that this 10 seconds isn't going to make you too late for the rest of your life, but you can take the seconds to be grateful, or to help someone.

Don't run into people with your cars, bikes, feet or dogs.

Open your eyes, let's make it easier on each other eh? The world flows a lot more freely that way.

LECTURE!

Hey gratitude! Thanks!

2011-05-19T13:05:00.000-07:00

Oh man you guys. What a great week.

This gratitude thing is way more fun than hating everything, I gotta tell you.

I've had a really nice tour week, that three tour Monday, I had a tour of one yesterday that was so much fun, my touree and I gave each other hugs at the end and then today was another two tour day with 190 North at the second tour! They were great, the tour group was great and the second I walked out to head home, the glorious sun came out. On Saturday I'm hosting a symposium at Columbia College, can you believe that?? GAH.

John's been working like a maniac, but he's so amazing and strong, he just gets up each day, smiling at the dog and putting in hours and hours and hours of work.

We're both working it big time.

Our debt is going to poop itself. Seriously.

So I'm getting phone calls and talking to amazing and strange people. I'm making friends and running around and working hard and learning things and ....

gratitude.

big time.

Out of my Head

2011-05-17T09:10:00.001-07:00

It's been a busy week, the Sun Times article did not hurt one bit, and tours are heating up and everyone else starts heating up and there are meetings and lunches and tours and yesterday I had 3 tours in one day! It was crazy, considering the last one was a Riverwalk Tour (my first! YAY! I already LOVE this tour) at 9PM!

But two things have happened in the past few days to take me out of my head:

1. Blue Valentine.
Have you all seen this yet? Ryan Gosling was really close to being my Hollywood boyfriend, really close - so I figured I needed to see this. Someone described it as haunting, which it most definitely is. And although it is nothing like my relationship with my husband, as any good movie will do, it has echoes, big ole nasty, cold, mean echos. I saw a lot of myself in that movie and it hurt. Truly did. A big old mirror was held up to my face and honestly, scared me a bit.

2. One of the tours I did yesterday was for a nice woman who called and told me her husband was in a wheelchair and they lived almost on the pedway and were interested in learning it. I know parts of the pedway are wheelchair accessible, but I thought it a good idea to learn if the whole thing really is. So after my regular tour I went to their building and we decided to do some exploring together, not an actual tour, just figuring this thing out.

Well, not only was my tour guest in a wheelchair, but he has MS and is completely paralyzed from his neck down. His wife was patient, smiling, and kind. As we started to move through, I saw so clearly how difficult this life is. Doors are too small, elevators are too small, sure you can get a wheelchair through this door, but it's not automatic, so the wife has to handle the door, the wheelchair, the motorization of the chair and try and thread the needle to get him through the door all on her own.

She was so graceful, still learning a bit it seemed like, but she never once got frustrated with him, the chair, or me. Her husband smiled at her, obviously frustrated at times, her too...but it never came out.

We stopped in Block 37 and she bought me a cream puff and we all 3 sat and watched the world go by.

And when it was time to go, I stood up on my own two feet and walked to the train, pushing doors open with ease, running down stairs to catch the train, walking my dog and talked to my healthy (if not INCREDIBLY tired husband) and watched some TV.

We are lucky folks.

Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude.

Yay!

2011-05-14T08:01:00.000-07:00

Blogspot is back up and running. Thank god, that was an awful few days. Seriously.

So, finally...the Sun-Times piece came out! I'm so happy and relieved. I mean, I figured he wasn't going to diss me, but you just never know. So it's a very nice article and the actual paper is a riot, because it really is ONE WHOLE PAGE. Very cool. I have now had nice write ups in both the Trib and the Sun-Times, that is awesome.

But in classic Hixx, faux-Buddhist style, and this is something I talked with my brother about, that's not why I'm doing this. And not to put it down in ANY WAY, because it is exciting, as soon as I saw it I moved on. I can't let it weigh too much on me and the most important thing is that people start finding out about the tours. The ego stroking is lovely, but it fades quickly and now it's time to book those people into tour spots! Right? RIGHT!

Anyway, that whole thing has had me a bit on edge (in a good way, I swear) so it's nice to have it out.

And there have been more phone calls and requests for info and even a few actual reservations, so...yayayayayayay!

I have not really seen John this week at all. It's quite sad.

But, it is temporary, he won't be this busy forever, and hopefully by the time it's over, I'll be CURAZY busy!

Oh man.

Okay.

Everyone have a good weekend!

Oh, and remember, you know, Memorial Day Weekend all my tours are FREE! And I got to tell you all, this Redlight District Tour is going to be awesome and hilarious and disturbing and I'm really excited about it, so if you're looking for something fun to do in two weekends???? You know where to go!

Over and out.

Or just out.

Probably not over yet.

Alright alright

2011-05-09T12:18:00.000-07:00

Time to move in from the Bin Laden post eh?

So...yeah, whew.

The SunTimes piece will be out on Friday those of you that are waiting with baited breath (that could just be me) so I'm excited about that. Doing a river cruise tonight, excited about that too.

Other than that, I've been a little down lately (oh what, you couldn't tell?) and I"m just trying to work through it. Sometimes I feel like I get early spring anxiety. Guh. I'm so lame.

Anyway, John's been working like a freaking monster lately and it's hard, it really is. I don't know how women with children do this. The more he works, the farther apart we get. He doesn't want to hear about my silly day (he does, this is not his fault, but when he comes home at 12AM, my tour with old ladies is not at the top of the list) and I really have nothing to say and it's difficult.

BUT, here's the stupid thing about his stupid job and the stupid Amazing Race.

John's job motivates me almost more than anything else.

And the stupid Amazing Race.

Here's the stupid thing:

Rio De Janeiro is one of the places I WILL see before I die. I will, there is no doubt.

I keep this one on the DL however because I will only go to Rio if we do it up RIGHT. I don't mind backpacking, I prefer it. I wish my whole life could be backpacking. But Rio, Rio is different. I will not be backpacking through Rio. I will do Rio as it should be done, with plenty of extra cash, tan bodies, those freaking awesome drinks they make with the rum and the lime and we're going to do it right.

Last night, after the Race, I got all motivated to make sure that happens for us.

So John's stupid job and my stupid greed to travel the world all fall on my head on a Monday and I wake up raring to go, ready to put this all into action and anxious for it all to happen TODAY.

But that's a good thing. Motivation is motivation, no matter where it comes from.

So pardon me, I have to run, but I'm glad about the girls who won the race, maybe not the most dramatic or exciting, but they ran a solid freaking race and they did a great job.

Okay.

Bye.

Guh

2011-05-04T08:54:00.000-07:00

What does a blogger do after Osama has been shot in the head? What is one to do?

It's funny, most of the "personal" bloggers I read didn't even say much. What is there to say?

I only have one really strong opinion on the subject and it's a little meta, so bear with me.

Everyone shut up. Everyone.

See? Yay life philosophies!

Really what I mean is, it bothers me that some are telling others how to feel. Sure, seeing people cheering, with signs and clapping - yeah, that's totally weird and makes me feel weird - but I'm sure as hell not going to look down on that person, my god.

I also don't want to see that Mark Twain quote again from anyone, stop telling me how to feel about this. I think that's great that you don't believe in celebrating someone's death, totally, that seems to be a more peaceful feeling - but don't tell me to feel like that.

I feel everything above, there's a part of me that feels ultra-patriotic, that wants to run through the streets with a sign that says "America will kick your fucking ass you goddamn fucking murderer" and there's a part of me that is humbled and saddened that the military had to walk in a shoot a man in the head. My god.

It's a reaction to death, and we all know that everyone reacts in their own way, so can't we just let each other do that? I want to know how you feel, but please oh god, don't tell me how I should feel.

Anyway, I'm only going to whisper it, but (Obama is a badass mutha y'all).

Okay, no more soapbox.

I gotta go to work.

Fine, I'll admit it

2011-05-01T14:12:00.000-07:00

I think I'm bored.

You know, one of the stories I tell myself a lot is that all I really want to do is go home and sit on the couch and watch TV. This is a story my whole family tells themselves. It's a Hixx thing. But now I hate that story because, well, my mother told herself that story all her life and one can't help but think she finally got just what she asked for. Ugh.

SO, although it's been a busy few weeks, it hasn't been....I don't know, useful or productive or something? Really, with the weather and everything, I've been home a lot. Not doing much, taking joy in the fact that this is my downtime, that come Monday (this Monday, thank god) there's a lot that needs to be done for tours, for the book, for everything. I've kind of been waiting for May 1st.

And luckily it's here, because you know what? I think I like thinking that the only thing I want is to sit on the couch, and when you're busy and running around, that is the only thing you want to do. But after you've done it, after all the DVR's have been watched, after Albion has been saved in Fable 3, after you reached level 30 on Plants and Zombies Vase Breaking, it's time to go back to work.

So I'm taking one last day today (why not?) and settling in and exercising a ton. Really, for those of you that don't enjoy exercise? Either get yoself a bike, or figure something out, because honestly, it changes a whole day in a 1/2 hour. I just went on a 16 mile bike ride and everything is just a tinge brighter, like you're wearing yellow sunglasses. Heh.

Anyway, I don't want to sit on the couch all day (after today), I don't want to do nothing all day (after today) and I think I am a healthier and more excellent person when I have things to do (after today).

Friday Night Lights? Here I come.

Saturday

2011-04-30T11:05:00.000-07:00

Like I said, John's working today and tonight and tomorrow. Sigh. Sun is out.

Sabrina is busy, my brother's out of town, everyone has stuff going on today and tonight. That's okay.

The past few weeks have been...not slow exactly, but the tours aren't ROCKING, (they will though, where is that Sun-Times piece??) and I'm spending a lot of time alone.

I love being alone. I really do. I miss John to pieces and wish desperately that he were here to play with me, but I do like being alone. But it's been a lot of it lately, with everyone so busy and it's basically my downtime. I was actually dreading today a little bit, because sometimes when I'm alone, that means I do nothing!

But so far I've run 6 miles (longest, sweet, not longest ever, but next week's run will be the longest ever), cleaned, had breakfast, did the laundry, a little work and it's only 1:11! NICE.

I'm trying to learn how to "settle in" to things. Once a week I do a long run (today) and I'm learning to settle in to them. To not rush, to not push, to not be aggressive, but just to run, quietly, efficiently, calmly...it's cool, usually about 40 minutes in I'm just cruising at a nice pace, not tired, not pushing...

I push on my other running days, but not my long one - balance.

So I'm settling in to aloneness. You know, when you get married, even if you have a husband who works a lot, you're not alone much. I happen to have a job that is totally dependent on people, so I see them a lot. I'm not usually alone for a whole weekend at a time! And I swear last night it was making me anxious (it's not like me to be anxious with alone, truly) and I'm doing that and it's great! I'm working, playing...settling in.

Even now when I'm walking, especially if I'm coming home, or am in no particular rush, I find myself barreling down the street, pushing and pulling and exasperating sighing a lot, I'm really working on this now - walk easy, settle in, let them go ahead, let them fall behind...

settle in to saturday - my new motto.

Did it

2011-04-29T12:32:00.000-07:00

Well the biggest fear of today has been stomped! STOMPED!

I had my first interview and book signing for the book today. It was for the Chicago Improv Festival and I was really scared there wasn't going to be anyone there, and then my fear changed as I saw the whole theater was full! OH MY GOD.

Mostly improv students, I can't thank CIF enough for bringing in such a lovely and open crowd.

it was just so weird, sitting up there like I have something to say, which I do (I know) but that people were interested in hearing it, so strange.

And then the book signing, my god is that the weirdest part.

It feels so ego-stroking. It feels so WEIRD. I mean, it's nice, but it makes me uncomfortable. I can't help it, I don't know what to write and I don't want to mess up their nice book and I"m just me, why would you want me to sign your book?

Anyway, I did it, I wrote inane things in people's books, I don't even know what I said.

But I did it! And I sold some books and made some friends and saw old friends and answered questions and it felt awesome and weird and unreal.

Some of that is because the goddamn sun is out. It's like another planet.

Unfortunately my husband has been ordered to work tonight, tomorrow, tomorrow night - it's not fair, I want to celebrate in the sun and I want him to celebrate his accomplishments and gawd. It sucks.

SUCKS.

But today was good. Real good. More like this.

You know...

2011-04-27T14:24:00.001-07:00

I forgot to mention that I got totally rained on on my walk to Navy Pier. I showed up to this fancy concierge event in what looked to be very dark jeans. In reality, not so much. My hair, make-up, everything was a mess! But I figured hey, that's who I am. I've decided people want creative people to look like that. It's what makes them stand out.

You like that line of reasoning?

I'm excited today. Happy.

I've been worried about this week for a few weeks (heh) because it's a week of "new" things and important things. I have my first book signing/interview thing on Friday (12:00PM at the Playground! Wanna come? Oh god...) and I had a huge tour group and a smaller one today and a few important interviews and meetings and the rain and oh my god! But it's all turning out okay, I think I'm excited.

Oh, here's one thing - my best friend in the entire universe is changing her life right before my eyes and it is a real hoot to watch. Sabrina works in the box office at Second City and she has definitely given herself to that job. They love her, she loves them and she took the directing class there. Very intensive class. They gave her a couple of gigs and that made her happy. Well now she's been hired to the Assistant Director for the E.T.C. show and holy lawd! My girl. She's so happy. She's working PT at the box office now and spends every other waking hour working...and she couldn't be happier.

And it's been amazing to see someone discover it. To watch her face change before my eyes. To hear her all excited and laughing and there's so much to say she can't tell me it all fast enough. And I just want to release everyone from whatever they're doing that they don't want to do. She's going to be totally broke for a few months, but she is released, honestly, and no matter what happens to her after this, a year or two more at the box office or whatever, she's done. She can't go back. It's already happened to her. She's tasted the fruit of what she's meant to do and regular life just won't suit her anymore.

I know how she feels.

It's really fun, I highly recommend it.

Rain, rain, GO AWAY

2011-04-26T15:36:00.000-07:00

God.

Seriously.

Stupid rain.

I had a really weird day....I had a big tour this morning and it went well but I just felt a bit off. Not sick, just...off. So then I had to go to Navy Pier to go to a concierge event. Whoo golly. You should see what kind of parties these people I have, I'm telling you. There was food and drinks, from some of the best places in the city, all so the conciergii can give it a taste. It was fun, but it was weird.

Anyhoo, I met a, I guess you could call him a competitor, of mine there. He's a great guy, we met right when I started...somehow, I think he contacted me, anyway, we've talked and emailed and helped each other here and there with things. As John put it, this guy is hunting deer and I'm hunting birds. We're both hunting, but we're not after the same audience at all. So it's neat, we can talk biz and not feel threatened.

And, it made me feel good about something, I have a competitor who is maybe not my favorite person and I've felt badly that I didn't like her, or want to help her, because, I should be buddhist and no competition and all that. But now I know that that's not really it, because this guy is competition for me in his own way and I really like him and am happy to help him when I can and happy to accept his help in return.

So yeah. Nice!

Oh, and I walked in the rain a lot. A LOT. But I'm home now. Don't you worry about me....I got chocolate bunnies, I got almond M&M's, I have chai tea and a pup and The Voice! Right! Anyone gonna watch that?

Better

2011-04-25T09:52:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the mad Easter post, yeesh. That lady's piassed.

Anyway, I'm better. I talked to the guy, he did something, I'll talk with my bros and see what the next step is. But I'm better.

It actually turned into a lovely Easter weekend.

So there anger, have at it.

Too old for this shit

2011-04-22T13:23:00.001-07:00

I had a friend tell me a few weeks back that she thought she had "lost a friend." I looked at her, totally confused.

You lost a friend? How does that happen anymore? At 40 years old someone decides they're just not going to be friends with someone? It's so high school. No one ever gets "mad" like that anymore unless said friend did something REALLY dramatic, which still, just doesn't happen so much anymore.

I haven't "lost a friend" in years.

So, I also haven't been really angry in years. I don't "get mad" at people anymore. It just doesn't happen like that you know? Does this make sense? Sure, John and I argue or quibble, but we don't fight. I don't fight with my friends, they're my friends! I don't fight with my family either, we definitely quibble, but I don't GET MAD at them.

Today I got mad at someone. Today I'm close to being in a fight with someone and it's really really odd.

It's not a friend, or even someone I have a relationship with. It's someone who's supposed to be helping my mom and isn't and has been getting away with it for years because...well...my mom really likes him.

Whatever.

It's Good Friday. And I'm not a religious person at all, but I have to tell you, it's really awesome to read about how other people feel about this weekend, rebirth, renewal...so many people honor this holiday, I figure I better figure out how to honor the idea of it, with this effing anger I have.

Anger...god it's so weird. Shaking anger...

So thank you to you of the religious sort out there, you're actually making me think twice about my anger and how to deal with it, make the problem better and find a way to not be angry.

Although, it feels a little good. Wow, anger can really fire you up no? Shit, I could run a marathon right now.

No wonder it's so addictive.

So people, go out there, have a great weekend, honor whatever it is you honor this weekend and shoot...maybe the sun and the flowers will come out?

DID IT!

2011-04-19T13:50:00.000-07:00

Oh all that stuff about the book and blah blah, it's much more fun when it's actually AVAILABLE! Yay!

Here it is:

Yay! Now you're all very kind in asking where you can get it, honestly, if you buy it through me I make more money. So if you'd like one, I dunno, we'll figure it out? Send me a check and I'll send you a book? I hadn't thought this through yet. But that might be the best way. And no pressure of course kay?

Anyway, it's fun that it's on Amazon. It's fun that it's a whole book. It's fun that on the side it says "Chicago Comedy" and then a little further down it says "Hicks." I mean, hell yeah! I'm not really sure what happens now, they're setting up some book signings (really??) and I have an "Author's Corner" at the Chicago Improv Festival on the 29th of April. I don't know if anyone will be at these things? So weird.

I took a huge group through the pedway today. I was so nervous, they were a huge group and have booked another tour for next week, so it was imperative that I killed it.

I totally killed it.

You guys, I spent 20 years feeling like an imbecile at my job. I spent 20 years trying so hard to learn to be disciplined, organized, to multi-task, to think critically and logically and honestly? I could never do it. Those last few years at my job as a legal secretary were hard ones. I really was constantly lost, hiding in the corner so someone wouldn't ask me to do something I didn't know how to do.

And suddenly, I'm not a dumbass anymore. I know how to do my job. I have hard days for tours I suppose, but it's nothing like my hard days at work. I'm good at this. I know how to deal in an emergency, I know who to hire to help me and I know my damn business.

I hate thinking of all the ladies (and men) out there who think they're stupid and that they'll always be lost.

Anyway, it's a good day even though it's the crappiest day EVER outside.

Whew.

Saturday

2011-04-16T09:48:00.000-07:00

I'm relishing my Saturdays. Soon I will be giving tours and Saturdays and Sundays won't really be so anymore (again, hopefully).

I've been running outside again a lot. I really enjoy it. Step up my time every week, today I did 50 minutes, about 4.5 miles. It's so freaking sweet. On my long run days I start slow, just jogging, I don't push myself...I just go slow and steady and get lost in my 80's tunes and it's just so great.

Um. I got the book yesterday.

I don't know, I feel SO WEIRD about all this, in the best possible way.

I really don't think it's sunk in at all. I mean, I'm sitting on the couch yesterday, holding the book that I wrote in my hands and well, it was neat but then I just put it down and moved on to something else. I think part of it is, is that this is just an extension of me really. These are thoughts I had in my head and there they are on paper, so it's really like looking at a bound journal or something.

Am I making any sense at all?

Anyway, its here. I want to give them all away, but I can't. I only get 6 to myself and anymore than that I have to pay for (half price, but still), but I want to leave them on the train, leave them at restaurants...

Heh.

Happy Saturday!

Happy birthday to bro Stu!

Yay Spring!

2011-04-13T13:48:00.000-07:00

By golly, it is gorgeous outside.

I know it's all gone tomorrow, but it will be back. And until then, I shall wait, patiently, like a woman who has been turned into stone and is waiting for a kiss from the warm sun to bring her back to life.

Sigh.

I'm getting really excited for tours. Man, Chicago is just unbelievable with blue skies, sunshine and some warmth. I was down today giving a pedway tour and I couldn't stress to the Parisians (yes, I'm VERY international) enough about how we're all just dying for this. Dying.

So, besides that, here's what I'm struggling with as of late.

There's lots to do, everyone has lots to do. I'm anxious to be famous and rich and it's just all TAKING SO LONG. I know in reality it's not really, shoot, it's barely been a year and in that year I've made more money, written a book, yadda yadda.

But I just have a hard time motivating sometimes. All the steps seem so little. Everything feels so far away. How are we ever going to have enough money to do everything I want to do? Now, I realize we are the LUCKIEST people on earth pretty much. We're warm, we have food, we have enough money to play a little and take a trip here and there, but I gotta tell you folks, that's not even close enough for me.

This is my one trip on this planet and I want everything that I want!

Am I selfish?

Am I selfish that I want to travel the world, understand, work, write, play in the sunshine when I choose?

Yes.

Am I entitled?

Yes.

Greedy?

You bet.

But sometimes it feels like my movements are so small, I'll be 120 by the time I get what I want.

I have very few regrets in my life, even the mistakes of course were necessary to have everything that I have now, but sometimes, I get angry at 23-33 year old me for mucking around! Man, if I had just figured it out a little earlier, I'd be getting a foot massage by a small Thai lady on Kao San Road in Bangkok, with a cold Singha and my husband by my side.

I want this before I become to old to enjoy it.

And I must work for it. I try to remember this when I want to go sit on the couch.

Ooooh, the couch....

Too long, too long

2011-04-11T13:11:00.000-07:00

It's been too long, I don't like it when too much time goes by without writing here.

SO! Things are good. I had a really great week last week.

I had my first $1,000 week.

WHEW!

That was mostly due to a good number of private tours, and some really well attended pedway tours, but yeah...that's actual REAL money! Handy, right around tax time I must say.

So of course this week is dead, well not dead, I had a tour today blahblahblah!

Anyway, everything is good, yesterday was a lifesaver in terms of summer weather and I had a really nice weekend with my husband. Soon I will be working (hopefully) my ass off on the weekends, so John and I are enjoying ourselves on the weekends. It's nice.

I sense in us still, a nervousness, a fear that our year of magical thinking has left us with. We're already a year away from that awful year without jobs and businesses. I think we're still so fearful. Sure, we can spend money pretty well, but it's almost impossible to get us to go DO something, to get out, to enjoy ourselves....

Anyway, I'm all over the place.

Romantic

2011-04-06T09:51:00.000-07:00

A little more explanation on the kids thing, because it's popping up so much lately. I think really young kids are hard no matter what, unless it's a tour that relates to them directly. But once a kid hits about 9 or 10, I think I can try and find a way to make it interesting for them. Steel helped prove that they can have a good time on my tour and I like that.

Thinking about this, the thing that I really need from tourees is a sense of romanticism. As long as you're old enough to kind of feel that, I think you can enjoy the tour.

Because that's what it's about for me, so much. Chicago's history is romantic and violent and dirty and base and elevated and beautiful and horrific. If one is not old enough yet to appreciate a dirty, drunk, Louis Sullivan dying alone after creating the greatest masterpieces of all time - well then, I'm not really sure what to do next.

It's a good lesson for me, all these kids (I have 6 more tomorrow), to figure out a way to appeal to a larger audience, to not make my tours about ME, but to be able to change and adapt and figure out what appeals to a larger base.

This week has been a good lesson for me.

I think I may write about this over at Chicago Elevated actually...

thanks lil blog.

Steel

2011-04-04T12:50:00.000-07:00

I don't know, kids just aren't my thing. I've given tours in the past couple days to people with kids and although I think the pedway is very cool for kids, I just don't...quite understand how to deal with them. They always seem bored and no one wants to listen to an old lady tour guide talk about buildings.

But today on my tour I had a kid named "Steel." And he was awesome. He was maybe 8 or 9 and had a blast running through the pedway. He walked right up front with me most of the time and he was doing tons of bits, really funny kid. I must say, I thoroughly enjoyed showing him the pedway.

So there you go.

Okay! Book published by April 27th. Eek!

POP CULTURE UPDATES -

So it seems as my new hollywood boyfriend (let's just up and say it okay, Heath - I love you and I will always love you, but I must get on with my own life, just like Michelle....) Henry Cavill will be coming to Chicago to shoot Superman. This is very exciting news. I'm sure he'll want a tour of the pedway. Sure of it.

Survivor is awesome. Boston Rob is awesome. But for anyone who doubted by beloved Survivor after last season, this season should bring you back home for good. Granted, I think Redemption Island is DUMB and takes time away from the real game, this season has been fantastic. Yes, if Boston Rob got voted off it would be decidedly less fantastic, but it would still be good.

I have six episodes of Glee waiting for me.

I have not watched them.

I can't. I don't know what it is. They're just sitting there, staring me in the face.

The Office marriage proposal made me and my husband weep.

That mobbed show, where the guy proposed to his wife with a flash mob also made us cry, but we were alternately swearing at it as well. Who would force his wife to do that in a dress that was hanging off her that she had to put on over her other clothes? So weird.

We have The Killing taped, but haven't watched.

I don't care what you all say, Rod/Paul Stewart on Idol is adorable. Sure, he's weird, but he's cute as a lil button.

That's about it. What you guys got?

Okay okay

2011-03-31T14:29:00.000-07:00

Enough with the sad post up there. Pshaw!

Spring is coming and thank god it is. I know people, one person that I live with, who might just curl up in a ball and die if the sun doesn't come out to shed some damn hope on us.

I think it is. Today is almost awesome.

So that guy who said he'd give me $100 for a tour? Gave me $150. Woot!

Things are good. Busy. I'm having a hard time now, now that there's a little money in the Chicago Elevated kitty, about what to do with that money. Do I sign up to become a member of the Chicago Tourism Department? Do I pay someone to redo my website? Do I buy some advertising? Do I not doing anything for right now and just protect the money that I do have?

Ugh. This is where I become slightly stupid. I really have no idea what to do. It seems like everyone wants my money to help me advertise my tours. But, it kills me, because, I worked hard for this money! I've always had a problem with "underspending." Sometimes I don't spend money to my detriment. I don't want to give money to the tourism people just to list my website on their home page. I wonder how many people really go there to find tours, etc. I never have, in any other city ever. That's just not the way I look for things to do. I would much rather look at Time Out, "cool things to do" in whatever city, that kind of thing.

But.

Oh man.

Sigh.

I just want more money so I don't have to worry about it.

Pocketbook

2011-03-29T13:17:00.000-07:00

That's what my mom always called her purse, her pocketbook.

For those that don't know, my mom had a stroke over 6 years ago. She had it after back surgery, like, immediately after back surgery, so she never really had a chance at rehabilitation. She's paralyzed on her left side and has basically spent the past 6 years in her bed. It's a hard and depressing thing, as my mother is not the most "at peace" person, in any way.

Today I had to take her to release the last of her money, the whole thing is a nightmare.

But we went to lunch afterward and I pulled out her purse and it just breaks my heart. It's the last remnant of "mom" that I have. Her purse is a time capsule of sorts. It is her life interrupted. There are keys and receipts and a driver's license long since expired. There are notes with her handwriting on them and

Ugh.

My mother continues to be an incredibly conflicting force in my life. I'm thankful she's here and curse whatever deity there is for making her stay here, in a bed, in an old folks home, for 6 years.

So to all the caregivers out there, I don't know, I'm sorry? Get through it? This sucks? Find some peace? Live a different kind of life? Don't feel guilty about feeling guilty?

I guess just love the person as much as is possible, live your life as much as is possible and enjoy every freaking moment because you never know when someone is going to see your whole life through your pocketbook.

Alright Universe, I hear you.

2011-03-24T14:13:00.000-07:00

This morning I got a call from a very nice fellow who wants to bring his kids on a pedway tour.

But he can't make any of the regular times and very kindly asked me if I do private tours.

But of course, I say.

He says, I realize it's going to cost a bit more, but we'd really like that.

Okay, I say.

So I tell him, why don't we just do 10$ a piece for an hour tour? There's 4 people coming, that's 40$, that makes it worth my time.

He says, your time is worth more than that, how about I give you $100?

Best phone call of the day, I say.

The universe says, your time and energy are worth something....

Oh, I get it now, I say.

Busy week

2011-03-23T15:04:00.000-07:00

Well well well.

This has been a busy tour week.

A BUSY TOUR WEEK! YAYYAYAYAYAYAY!

This has been the first week since starting the pedway tours that I have had a full week of tours. I give the tour 3 times a week and usually I'll have some for one day and none for the others. This is the first week that I have given tours each day I was supposed to. AND, I had three private tours this week, so by Friday afternoon, I will have given SIX TOURS! Yay. It feels so good to put money in the bank, to make money, to take phone calls, to have more than one person on these tours, oh my goodness, I can't even tell you.

My beloved Chris Guillebeau of the Art of Non-Conformity has been on a roll lately. And this post from him really made me think. He tells about meeting people who started their own businesses who put themselves down because they only made 1$, 2$, 1,000$ their first year. Guillebeau goes on to state that in no way should we put ourselves down for making only a certain amount of money. He tells us we're amazing for making any money on our own. All by ourselves.

I have to admit I shocked myself with how little money I made last year. It hurt kinda, I had this image you know....

But dammit he's right! I made MY money. I made it, myself. No one gave it to me or hired me or gave me a paycheck. I went out into the world and made money by sheer will.

It's much more fun to think of it that way I must say.

And I know this all takes awhile, to build up, I get that. And what's most important to me is that it improves, that it gets better. And it is. As of the end of the this month, I will have made more money than I made all of last year.

So no, I can't support myself on what I make, but I went out there and did it. I made money all by myself, no big fat boss sitting in his office deciding what's best for me.

Hee.

Weekend

2011-03-18T13:03:00.000-07:00

Bokay! How's everybody doing? What's the haps?

I just got the title design for the book today, I like it! I don't know about these things so I'm assuming they know right?

I did catch that the price is going to be 20$! WOW! I can't believe anything I do is worth 20$, that's why all my tours are 15$. Heh.

So this is really it, once I okay the cover, it goes to print! WOWEE!

And I had a friend text me the other day "Hey how cool that you're doing the authors corner for CIF!" That's the Chicago Improv Festival by the by....and I had no idea I was doing an authors corner!

AN AUTHORS CORNER! That's all I've ever freaking wanted in the whole world. And here it is. Woot!

I've definitely been taking things easy these days. It feels like I'm not working, after all the hard work from the book, but I am! I have these Neverwhere tours for the One Book, One Chicago program and that's in early April, so I'm reading reading reading. Also, I have a bunch of private tours these last few weeks of March and a bunch in April, so I'll be getting ready for those. And then I have spring tours to prepare for! More reading, more walking.

And the house is clean and my desk is clean and our finances are in some kind of order and the dog is walked and my head is clear and there have just been some days when I say "I just don't feel like it today" and I push through a little and then cave in a little. Spring is going to be busy, summer (OH GOD HOPEFULLY) will be busy so I figure I might as well enjoy this time off and not feel guilty for being quiet for a little bit.

I'm rocked, as many of us are, by Japan. I don't know why this one affected me so much when my beloved Thailand and Indonesia were ravaged and hundreds and thousands died there...it's something about Japan being capable and rich and able...and it's still such a nightmare.

I'm so scared.

And of course my study in impermanence reigns. None of this matters, my book and tours and dinners and date nights and food and work and money. None of it matters. It could all be gone in a heartbeat. And of course, that's what makes it all matter even more, the book and tours and dinners and date nights...they are all I can do.

I just don't know.

I told John last night, after some serious thinking about how I can use my talents to help someone, anyone, that my real wish is to sell every fucking material thing I own (or hell, give it away, fuck money) and go around the world and fucking help people.

What else matters really?

Wow. That was a happy post and it went kind of downhill there for awhile...sorry....

FRIDAY!

The Working Day Off

2011-03-16T10:26:00.001-07:00

You ever have one of those?

It's beautiful outside, I'm kind of taking the day off, but I have things to do, small stuff to take care of.

I ran with the dog this morning, I love that. There are parts of it that scare me, like rogue dogs or fast cars or something, but you know, I run very slowly. We're never going that fast but Remo freaking loves it. He prances ahead of me, smiling, prancing...he's so cute and happy. It makes me happy.

The sun is out, I get some email work done in the morning, I take Buddy on another walk, why not. I leave to head to the bank to sign up for the latest "we'll give you money if you come in and sign up for it" stuff. But hey, don't knock it, I won 150$ on one of those Chase things once. I also deposited two big checks for Chicago Elevated that almost top what I made last year as a whole...

I got my eyebrows waxed. They were nutty.

Now I"m at the Starbucks. I have a lot of reading to do....wait....did you hear that correctly? I have a lot of reading to do. For my job. Reading of a Sci-Fi novel, for my job. Okay, just double-checking we all understand that. Poor me, I have to sit here with my low fat cinnamon crunch and read.

Then off to the Walgreens for sundries and the Fleet Feet to spend my $25.00 I built up after buying new running shoes.

Then walking the dog again. Why not.

Spring.